Where In The World Is Patrik Elias?

Those of you who aren’t as enamored with hockey as I am may not be aware, but for the past few weeks the world of hockey has been the scene of an unsolved crime.

On June 11, 2012 the Los Angeles Kings overcame a 44 year drought to become first time Stanley Cup Champions. I don’t know if you’ve ever attempted to win a Stanley Cup, but I think it’s pretty difficult. I’ve been trying on my Wii, but they’re not even real people and I still can’t do it. So It’s pretty big deal when your team wins the Stanley Cup. There are parades, champagne showers, lots of cheering, and sometimes an occasional f-bomb in a victory speech. And one thing that’s a tradition, really in any sport, is to keep the game winning puck (or ball in all those other sports) and display it somewhere, where everyone can see it and say, “Hey look! There’s the puck that the Los Angeles Kings used to beat the New Jersey Devils in the Stanley Cup Final. Super neat-o!!” But something terrible happened with this puck. The game winning puck disappeared.

The last anyone knew of the puck was that New Jersey Devil’s left winger Patrik Elias flipped it up into his glove after the final horn of the game. Then Elias proceed to exit the ice and give his stick to a random fellow in the crowd. He disappeared into the locker room for a few unaccounted for minutes then returned to the ice to shake hands with his opponents, at this point in the evening Elias was puck-less.

Now why would Patrik Elias want this puck? Did he want it to display the puck that was used to beat his team? Did he want to hurt the Kings by not allowing them to have it? Was he going to sell it on ebay for millions of czech koruna? No one really knows. All we really know is that the puck disappeared for 2 weeks and 4 days. And then it was found hidden, deep inside Elias duffel bag. Patrik is trying to take the pressure off of himself saying he didn’t know he had it and what not, and he tried to make it better by sending it to the Kings. But no, he is full of lies. He knew exactly where that puck was for those unaccounted days. Why would the puck be in his duffel bag if he hadn’t been traveling the world with Pucky, as I call him? So I did a little digging and you’ll never believe what I found.

As it turns out Patrik Elias fled the country after their loss with puck in hand. He took ol’ Pucky here on a bit of a world-wide excursion.

First they headed to Italy and did a classic “holding up the leaning tower” pose.

Next they jetted over to Paris to visit the Eiffel Tower.

The last leg of the European tour was a trip to Patrik’s home country of Czechoslovakia.

Oh, now this is just cruel. A comically large Stanley Cup champion puck on the Hollywood sign. C’mon Elias, rub it in a little more that you have their puck why don’t you.

Apparently in his world travels he even made a trip with the puck to my own city of Nashville and was hanging out on Broadway. What the heck? How did I not know?

And finally, Patrick and Pucky took a trip to the shore with, well, you know, the Jersey Shore crew. Look how precious Pucky is nestled gingerly in Snooki’s poof like that.

Sure it’s a little weird that he did all these things and then sent the puck back to the Kings, but who am I to judge? Maybe he just wanted a little taste of the victory as well. And when you’re Patrik Elias that means you spend a few special days with a champion hockey puck. I hope you had fun Elias, I hope you did! I’m just glad that Pucky is finally back with his rightful owners.

You Mean New Jersey’s Mascot ISN’T Beelzebub?

The NHL playoffs are almost over. A group of 16 has been narrowed down to a mere 2 teams; the Los Angeles Kings and the New Jersey Devils.

No one could have predicted such an anomaly occurring. What happened to the Penguins / Predators final? Well, they both choked. (which by the way, has led me into a deep, dark, depression, full of catching up on Glee and playing games of NBA Jam. Come back to me Preds!!) And that is why America is left to choose between a team from a land full of celebrities or a team from a land where tan guidos freely roam the streets. Kind of a lose-lose situation if you ask me.

So you’re probably debating on which bandwagon you are going to jump on for the Stanley Cup Finals, right? No? Just me? Oh well. I’m going to continue anyway.

Both teams have their perks but also their…not-perks (what the heck would that word be?)

New Jersey Devils

  • Contrary to popular belief the people of New Jersey do not support Satan. Instead they support the mythical Jersey Devil that resembles a moose with wings. Pro? Maybe?
  • Snooki. Con.
  • Puddy is on their side. Pro, classic Seinfeld episode.
  • Used to be the Kansas City Scouts. Pro, everything from Kansas is great.
  • Only team bold enough to actually declare themselves a part of New Jersey. Con. Why would they want to admit that?
  • Zach ParisePro. Guy is a beaut!

  • 3 Stanley Cups Pro, for experience. Con, because I like underdogs.
  • Not the Nashville Predators. Con. 

Los Angeles Kings
  • Wayne GretzkyPro. DUH. Dude’s a legend.
  • Dustin Brown. Con, kinda looks like a weasel.
  • Anze Kopitar. Pro, makes up for weasel-faced Brown
  • Lion mascot. Con, not real creative for a team in a land full of struggling actors and writers.
  • They chirp super hard on twitter. Pro. HILARIOUS. Check it out: @LAKings
  • Gave tickets to Rainn Wilson in a jello mold. Pro, also hilarious.
  • 8 seed that has won 12 out of the 14 games they’ve played. Pro. Has the makings of a great Disney movie.
  • 0 Stanley Cups. Pro, underdogs
  • Also not the Nashville Predators. Con

So there you go. An exhaustive list* of the best and worst qualities of each team. Do with it what you will.
As for me, well, I like movies where teams overcome adversity and win championships so ya, I’m going with the Kings. Plus I seriously enjoy their twitter.

 *not even close.