Sidney Crosby! What Will You Do With All Your Free Time?

[Disclaimer: This is about hockey….again. I’m so sorry. I have a serious issue. If you hate hockey, I apologize, but hey look on the bright side, hockey will be over in June and then we can focus on the Olympics.]

Hey there Sid.

Why do you look so sad? This doesn’t have anything to do with you and your Penguins not advancing to the second round of the NHL playoffs does it?

It does?

You’re kinda bummed about it?

Really bummed actually?

You really, really hate the Flyers now?

Well, to be fair Sid, you’ve only beat them in your brand spankin’ new Consol Energy Center like twice. Ever. That’s a pretty terrible statistic. You should be good at winning at home. Most teams are. However you guys seem to choke at home. Why do you do that? What is wrong with you?

Although you are really good at beating teams that aren’t the Flyers, so that’s neat. You even beat my Nashville Predators. BTW: I’m still a little PO’d about that SIDNEY. Why’d ya do that??

I seem to have digressed a little though. We’re focusing on the fact that you lost in the first round of the playoffs, crushing my dreams of a Predators – Penguins championship. But who needs a 2nd Stanley Cup victory anyways? That’s just selfish of you to not share that joy with the other 29 teams.

So chin up grumpy gills!! You have so much more free time now, with all that pesky hockey out of the way. You can do so many activities!

Because I like you, I’ve taken the time to come up with some suggestions as to how you can spend your summer now that hockey is no longer an option. You’re very welcome.

Go to the zoo. Look at the real penguins. They’re super precious and they’ll make you forget all your woes of being a loser. (not a loser at life, just hockey)

Become a weather man. You have a weatherman face. I can’t explain it. It could be your nose, I don’t know. You just look like a weatherman to me. Plus, you’ve already got the wardrobe for it.
Take anger management classes. Then you won’t want to fight Claude Giroux next season. My poor little heart can’t handle it when you two fight. I love you both too much.

Buy a goat. Name it Sidney Jr. and call it Sid the Kid for short. HILARIOUS! (Get it Sid. Baby goats are called kids. People call you Sid the kid. I’m the best aren’t I?)

Come visit me! We’ll do lunch. What do you like? Chicken? I can cook chicken. That’s pretty much it though. And hot pockets. I can cook hot pockets.

Take up the guitar. Girls love a dude who can play guitar. They also love a dude who plays hockey. A hockey player who plays guitar? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YES PLEASE!

Cry. Just let it all out Sid. No one will know, plus everyone who hates you already calls you Cindy Crysby. (People are not very clever apparently) Just let the tears flow. Once they do you can let go of your depression from losing and move on. I won’t tell anyone that you cried.

Come visit me again. I cannot stress this enough. You should come visit me. I am a good time. Plus I live in Nashville. We’ve got lots of guitars here. You could knock out that learn to play guitar thing as well.

Write an apology letter to Claude Giroux and Jakub Voracek. You were very rude to them. If you need a refresher, go here to our previous conversation: Sid, are you a child?

And finally, again, I cannot stress this one enough. Come and visit me. We’ll hang. And you know, if we fell in love and got married that’d be cool too. Then you can support me with your millions and I can sit at home and watch hockey for the rest of my life. Plus we could also go to some hockey games while you’re here, because the Nashville Predators are still in the playoffs. They don’t suck.

You just let me know whenever you want to come visit me. My schedule is pretty open.*

*This is because all I do is watch hockey and write letters to people who will never, ever see them. I’m insane aren’t I?

Amanda’s Guide to Playoff Hockey

I talk about hockey a lot, it’s kind of my thing. But let’s be real, I don’t have a lot going for me right now, so pretty much the NHL Playoffs are all I have. It’s cool though guys. Don’t worry about me. I’m not a sad sack or anything.*

But it also occurs to me that most people do not care nearly as much as I do. But I’d like everyone to because then I wouldn’t be alone in my excitement. So in an effort to bring all of you over to my side I’ve prepared this handy guide to the NHL playoffs. Just follow along and you’ll go far.

Amanda’s Simple Guide to the Stanley Cup Playoffs

You are allowed allegiance to one Western conference team and one Eastern conference team. Example: Amanda’s Western Conference Team: Nashville Predators. Amanda’s Eastern Conference Team: Pittsburgh Penguins

It is perfectly okay for all productive activities in your life to cease during the playoffs. The NHL wants you watch all the games. That’s why the show them all on tv. You don’t even have to feel like a slug for never leaving your couch. It’s totally cool.

If the hockey gods are against you and your chosen teams gets knocked out of the playoffs you are allowed to choose a replacement to fill the void. Example: Amanda’s Western conference second choice: Phoenix Coyotes. Eastern conference: Florida Panthers. Although I do not plan on needing to utilize my second choices.

If you enjoy a player on an opposing team you are not allowed to verbally admit it. Example: Claude Giroux is really great and has a red beard, but he plays for the Flyers. I cannot admit I like him because I want the Penguins to win, therefore Claude is the enemy.

While playoff beards can occasionally become disgusting we are not allowed to complain about them. They provide some sort of magical powers. Example: Kevin Klein. Dude had exactly 4 goals in 66 regular season games. He now has 2 goals in 5 playoff games. Fluke? No. Playoff beard power? Absolutely.

That’s some serious beard power

If you go to the bathroom while the puck is in play, someone will score. This is a fact proven by me. So don’t go to the bathroom, unless you like missing out on game changing moments.

It’s perfectly natural to jump around and celebrate a game winning shot even if you are alone in your living room with only a dog. Not that I’ve ever done this. That would be super weird.**

Despite the fact that Sidney Crosby‘s lips look plump enough to use as a pillow for sleeping, don’t say it out loud. Especially around males. They will think you are crazy. Again, I’ve never done this.***

Seriously, those things are plump

If you spend your hard-earned cash on playoff tickets, your team will lose that game. So that sucks, but you’ll probably still spend your money anyway just for a chance at a taste of that playoff atmosphere.

Goaltenders are weird. They just are. Don’t blame losses on them. They will take it super personally and proceed to lose 3 games in a row. Example: Marc Andre-Fleury‘s super choke at the beginning of the playoffs.

Do not NOT wear your lucky socks. You cannot afford taking a chance with the hockey gods at this point in the season. Your socks may be the only thing allowing your team to win. You don’t want to have to shoulder the blame of a loss just because you were too arrogant to wear your lucky turkey socks.

It’s absolutely okay to slam Henrik Zetterberg’s head into glass if you are Shea Weber. You will not get suspended. Totally cool. I’m a Shea Weber fan, but the guy should not have done this. Hockey gods were on his side obviously.

And finally, you can totally cry when your team doesn’t win the Stanley Cup. I won’t even make fun of you.

Editors Note: The Penguins are out. Let’s go Panthers! (Mostly just this guy. Gotta love Ol’ No-Chin Smithson)

Jerred Smithson

*Ya, I am.
**Guys I’ve done this. Several times.
***I absolutely have.

Sid, Are You a Child?

Dearest Sidney Franklin (I made this middle name up) Crosby,

You know I love you and your super incredible hockey abilities (Oh and I can’t forget your lusciously large lips. Did you have work done on them? They are HUGE!) I however, have one simple question for you.

Are you 3?

You see, I’ve chosen you and your Penguins as my eastern conference team to root for in the NHL playoffs, so I’ve been intently watching your first round series versus the Philadelphia Flyers. Since the first game you guys have been very angry towards each other. There have been many brawls and lots and lots of penalties on the parts of both teams. This, I understand, is hockey so it’s okay with me, but let’s talk about Sunday.

Sunday, you seemed to have boiled over in your frustrations and anger. There were wrestling matches, hair pulling, cheap shots and I’m sure many, many adult-type words. Which, you know, whatev, hockey.

Classic hockey fight!

Side note: I teach 3 year olds for a living and the little delightful guys do things like that all the time, minus the adult-type words. (ok, sometimes even that part takes place.)

So allow me to take this moment to tell you a story: Today, one child we’ll call him Frank, wasn’t using crayons. He wasn’t even near them. Then he saw another child, we’ll call her Tina, reach for the crayons, so Frank pushed the crayons to the other side of the table just out of Tina’s reach.

That story sounds pretty familiar doesn’t it? Seems very similar to something that recently happened with you right? Remember when you made the really mature decision to push away someone’s (Jakub Voracek’s to be precise) glove as he bent down to pick it up. Right as he bent down you just stuck your stick out and shoved that glove right away from his reach. Do you recall doing this? It’s not a very mature thing to do Sid ol’ pal.

And after you acted like a 3-year-old in tossing a glove away, you also decided to get in a fight with Claude Giroux and then you said some more adult words. Now normally I wouldn’t care that much about your actions, but the way you responded when questioned about these incidents makes me truly wonder if you are actually a child that has been given hormones to grow a nasty mustache tricking all of us into thinking you’re an adult.

You see, after the game the interviewers asked you why you pushed poor, poor, Jakub’s glove across the ice and you said,

I don’t like any guy on their team there. It was near me and he went to pick it up and I pushed it.”

First of all this did not answer their question at all. You basically just restated the question, but in essence what you said was,

I’m a child. I was losing in a hockey game. I wanted to make him mad. I saw his glove so I pushed it. Again, let the record show, I am a child and that is why I acted like a child.

So because you were so ridiculously ambiguous in your response the interviewers, they tried to understand your feelings more by asking for clarification as to why you don’t like the Flyers. And of course you were an open book and said,

“I don’t like them because I don’t like any guy on their team.”

Way to be super informative there, buddy! Now everyone is fully understanding why you don’t like those darn Flyers! You don’t like them because you don’t like them. Now I get it! (No I don’t.) Again, you’re acting like the 3 year olds I work with, “Why’d you hit them?” “Because they’re not my friend.” “Why?” “Because.” I have discussion like this on a daily basis. But they are 3 so it’s sort of excused from them as they can’t fully verbalize their feelings. But you are a grown man (I think).

After this you seemed to become slightly defensive about your motives for not liking the Flyers and you said,

“Yea, guys are emotional and there is a lot of stuff going on out there. There is no reason to explain. I don’t have to sit here and explain why I pushed a glove away they are doing a lot of things out there too. You know what, we don’t like each other. Was I going to sit there and pick up his glove? What was I supposed to do?”

Well Sid, you didn’t have to pick the glove up, that is true. But maybe, just maybe, you shouldn’t have pushed the glove away from him? I don’t know, that seems like the type of mature decision a 25-year-old man should make, but you didn’t do that. You did not. But I’m not the first person to suggest this concept to you. The interviewers even offered this thought and you said, as you are super mature,

“Skate away? Oh well I didn’t that time.

No, no you didn’t Sid. You did not skate away. You made the choice to be a child instead of a man.

Essentially what I heard in this interview was,

“AAAACK!! My Penguins are losing in this series! I’m so mad!! I needed to act out my frustrations so I pushed that punks glove away from him to make him mad. Okay? So what? Do you want to fight about it? Because I will fight you. I fought Giroux and I’ll take you down too! I’m not scared! I’m Sid the Kid!”

But don’t worry Sid. I still love you, I do. And I still want you to win this series because I really just don’t like those Flyers either. So I can relate to you on that. But I’m gonna need you to stop being childish and start playing hockey.

Your last chance for Stanley Cup-dom is tomorrow. If you do not win, you’re done. So maybe, here’s an idea, maybe you should just not fight with anyone tomorrow, ya? Maybe just try to score and win the game? Okay? Ya? Let’s do that.

Oh, and maybe next time make up a reason for not liking the Flyers, like “I don’t like them because they push me and they have stinky feet.” Anything really, just don’t say, “I don’t like them because I don’t like them.” again. That’s a stupid reason.

Okay, well I’m glad we had this heart to heart. Again, don’t worry. I still love you and your super plump lips.

All my love,
Amanda

P.S. The Flyers made this shirt to give away. So I guess the feeling is mutual?

Hey Sidney Crosby, I’m Your Biggest Fan!

Sidney Crosby

Image via Wikipedia

Dear Sidney Crosby,

Hi! You don’t know me, but I know you! That sounded a little creepy didn’t it? I’m real sorry about that. Anyway, how’s it going?

I don’t know if you know this about yourself, but you used to be a phenomenal hockey player. Remember in 2010, you scored the winning goal in the gold medal hockey game, for your native land of Canada? And remember how you hold the record for the youngest everything ever in the NHL?

Look at all this stuff:
First rookie to record 100 points and 100 penalty minutes in a season
Youngest player to record 100 points in a season
Youngest player to record 200 career points (19 years and 207 days)
Youngest player to record 2 consecutive 100 point seasons
Youngest player voted to the starting lineup in an All-Star Game
Youngest full team captain
Youngest NHL captain to win Stanley Cup (21 years, 10 months, and 5 days)

Those were good times weren’t they Sid? You were a star. And then this happened:

 

You broke your brain. And now you do nothing except skate around on ice without playing hockey, you’re essentially a figure skater. No one really likes you anymore. Now don’t get sad about that Sidney. You have only played like 8 games in the last year. Surely you can see where I’m coming from here. It’s no wonder people are starting to get angry at you and saying you’re a big baby with a broken head. You don’t do anything and you’re supposedly the Captain of your team.

But I don’t think you’re a baby Sid. That’s why I’m writing this letter to you. Because I like you, broken head or not. And since I’m probably the only one who still likes you, I was wondering if I could get a few things.

1. I’d like a million dollars. You’re being paid right now, but let’s be honest Sidney, you’re not doing anything to earn it. You could sacrifice a few mill. If you could just give me 1 million for being your biggest fan, we’ll call it even.

2. I’m also going to need a real penguin. You play for (well, you are a member of) the Pittsburgh Penguins. Surely you’ve got some sort of connection with a penguin breeder. I need a pet. Get me one Sid.

3. You also played in the olympics with Shea Weber. You guys are probably friends, right? Could you introduce us? I’d really like to marry him.

4. If you can’t get Shea Weber, will you marry me?

5. I’d also like an autographed puck

That’s it Sidney. Just those 5 things. I’m the only who still thinks you can play hockey. I haven’t once called you a whiny baby for having a broken brain. (Trust me, people call you whiny a lot, and sometimes you act a little whiny. I’ve seen the YouTube videos, and I still like ya!) I google you only a weekly* basis just to check on your brain progress. So anyway, you can see how supportive I am, during this time of broken braindom.

*daily. I’m out of control

If you could offer me the same support in fulfilling those demands, that would be phenomenal.

If you don’t, I’m going to be mad at you for a little bit. But I’ll probably still like you, dang it! You’re so darn adorable!

Okay, well have a nice day Sidney! Hope your brain/neck/spine gets better soon!

Sincerely,

Amanda, aka Your Biggest (and maybe your only) Fan