From the Mouths of Babes: The Reason I’ll Soon Be In the Loony Bin

Every day I spend 9 of my waking hours with a classroom of nine delightful 3 year olds. (as if I didn’t have enough trouble conversing with adults most of my human interaction is with tiny people who cannot read or write their names) I do my best to be the mature one in the room and teach them delightful life skills. Most of the time I fail though and they just leave me sitting idly with a quizzical look on my face because they say really, really weird things sometimes. 99% of the time I have no idea how to respond because the things they say are so ludicrous. I’m not even sure they’re living in the same world as me at times. But I do my best to give the adult response to the situation at hand.

They look normal right? WRONG. They are aliens in tiny human suits.

Here is what I deal with on a daily basis:

“Miss Amanda. I want to read a book to my hat.”

What I wanted to say: “Uh ok. Weirdo. Don’t you have any friends you can read to? You know that hat is not a person right? You are a very strange little person. And if you keep reading books to a hat you’ll probably alienate those around you and you’ll be stuck with just your hat for the rest of your life.”

What I really said: “Uh ok.”

“You’re not comin’ to my party!”

What I wanted to say: “You are 3 years old. How many parties can you possibly have? Your birthday was 4 months ago. So obviously you’re not having a birthday party. Maybe she doesn’t even want to come to your party. Have you ever considered that?”

What I really said: “[Undisclosed name] please be nice to your friends and use kind words.”

“You’re not my friend!”

What I want to say: “Well if you’re going to be like that they probably don’t want to be your friend. I wouldn’t want to be. Especially if you end friendships over something like digging for worms. That’s just ridiculous.”

What I really say: “We’re all friends here. Please be kind to my friends.”

“Miss Amanda!! He just said BOOTY/BUTT!!”

What I wanted to say: “SO DID YOU, SO STOP TATTLING ABOUT THIS EVERYDAY!! Pick a new thing to do. I’m getting bored. And every time you tattle about someone saying a ‘nasty’ word you say it too. So you might as well tattle about yourself while you are at it.”

What I really said: “[Undisclosed name] we don’t say that word here. Please use nice words.”

“Hey will you hold my coconut and rock?”

What I wanted to say: “I’m sorry? What did you just ask? You do know that’s not  a coconut right? That’s an acorn. And why am I holding these? What are you doing? Am I your servant?”

What I really said: “Sure.”

“I’m calling my mom!! Don’t look at my window!”

What I wanted to say: “Are you on drugs? That’s a piece of mulch, not a phone. Also there is no window there. You are so very strange.”

What I really said: “Ok?”

“Miss AMMAAANDDA! She said ‘EEEEEEHHHHHH!!!’ at me!”

What I wanted to say: “Are you seriously tattling about this? Oh my goodness. You will never survive in the real world if you think this is the worst problem ever.”

What I really said: First I laughed really hard. I couldn’t hold it in on this one. It was too much for me to handle. Plus I had already drank 2 cups of coffee and was slowly losing my mind. Then I said. “[Undisclosed name] please use an indoor voice and don’t yell.”


After all these conversations I really have no idea how I maintain my sanity.

Actually, I take that back. I no longer have my sanity and that’s how I survive. I have the mentality of a 3 year old. And that’s probably also why I was just laying in the middle of the floor for absolutely no purpose. I’ve already lost my mind and there’s no turning back now.

Please don’t stop being my friend when then institutionalize me. I need all the adult interaction I can to counteract this insanity.