What The Heck Hollywood??

Hey Hollywood!

Let me start off by saying, huge fan of chick flicks. I love it when the adorable loser meets a girl through a series of happenstance. Then, you know, love. And of course, through another series of misunderstandings, there’s a break up. But in the end the guy gets the girl and love is all they need to be happy. I love it. It’s a perfect little world they live in.

As a 20-something female, I have seen pretty much every chick flick you have to offer me. And quite frankly, I have a beef to discuss with you.

First of all, the females in your movies are incredibly quirky and all of them are flight attendants. Um, not every young hip, quirky female looking for love does this. Some of them are…shoot, I don’t know, preschool teachers. Just tossing out ideas here. And most of them work regular jobs with regular 9-5 hours. They don’t have the leisure of wandering over to the local coffee shop to ‘hang’ with their other single female friends to gossip about their love lives or lack thereof. And if they can’t go chill at coffee shops how are they supposed to clumsily spill their coffee causing a handsome stranger to hand them napkins? And if a handsome stranger doesn’t hand them napkins how are they going to lock eyes and fall in love? Huh? Doesn’t seem possible, now does it?

Secondly, not every male rides a motorcycle. Nor do they all have slightly wavy brownish hair, a la Orlando Bloom. Also what do these guys in your movies do for a living? They are literally never at work. All they do is relax in bars and at the homes of their buddies who have families already. They’re just always hanging out, discussing how they will never settle down, while their buddies wife offers to set them up with a nice girl. And if they’re never at work, how do they afford those motorcycles anyway? And how do they ‘woo’ the adorkable females? They’re always buying flowers and such, but you can’t do that without money, right? But they must have some money because they’re also at that delightful little coffee shop, partaking in delicious caffeinated beverage. So that’s weird.

I guess what I’m getting at here, is that your movies are full of lies.

I’m a young, hip, adorable, 20-something*. I’m clumsy and do many stupid things.** I spill my coffee, no one cleans it up for me. I drop bags of groceries, no one helps me by picking them up. I’ve made eye contact with handsome strangers, but generally it gives me the heebie-jeebies rather than causing me to fall in love. What’s that about?

So, here’s where you come in. I’d like to see is a chick-flick that portrays love as it really works.

Two young professionals, each too self-involved to notice the other. They complain about their lack of love, but do nothing to try to solve their problems because, again, they’re incredibly self-involved. Then one day an old lady, a mutual friend of the two, takes it upon herself to make these young folk meet. They are introduced by the old lady, we’ll call her Florence, and they don’t hate each other. Through a slow building friendship, mostly facebook/twitter based, they eventually develop love-like feelings towards one another and date for a period of 3-6 years before mutually deciding they should get married and have a family together.

Or maybe just a movie where the female is forced to stay single for the rest of her life because, despite the fact that she lives in a town full of young attractive men, she’s not capable of forming a relationship with any of them, especially the brawny hockey like ones. I mean, I’m just throwing out ideas again. You don’t have to run with this.

That’s what the world needs guys. A realistic chick flick. I’m calling upon you to do this for me Hollywood. Mainly because I don’t have a million dollars to make a film, otherwise I’d do it myself and I’d cast a delightful young actress (me), as the main character. (And just as an FYI, I’d probably throw Shea Weber in there as the male counterpart)

I’ll just be here waiting for it to hit theaters this fall okay?

 

*And by young, hip, adorable, I mean, I’m a 23-year-old preschool teacher who goes to bed at 10:30 everyday and only uses my tv to watch the NHL network.
**By clumsy and do stupid things, I mean, I’m clumsy and do stupid things.

The Hunt for the Perfect Man

My biological clock is ticking guys. It just keeps ticking and ticking and ticking. In fact, as I was writing that I lost 15 seconds of biology. And there went another 5. My time is whittling away! I need a man. NOW!

Being adorable and walking around Nashville waiting for a romantic comedy moment is not working for me. No one has chased me down at an airport and proposed to me. I haven’t even looked out my window to see a man singing to me in the pouring rain. I’m going to have to take things into my own hands now. So I’ve decided I should start online dating*. I’ve never made an online dating profile so I used this handy website to help me out. I followed their steps as best I could.

Step 1: Get Away From the Computer
I did not participate appropriately in this step. I hope that doesn’t tamper with my results.

Step 2: Thinking About Who You are and What You Like
I was supposed to write 10 things about myself but I didn’t want to write anything down, so I skipped this step as well. I’m really bad at following directions. I did think about ten things though, so that counts.

Step 3: Fine-Tune Your Personal List
Nope. Didn’t do it.

Step 4: Making Your List into Dating Profile Text
This step you’re supposed to take all your interests and make a rough draft. Here’s what I’ve got:

Hello! My name is Amanda. I am a preschool teacher in the Nashville area. I wipe boogers and try to keep 3 year-olds from killing one another for a living. I also try to teach them basic life skills like the ABC’s and manners. It’s a really exciting field to be a part of. Outside of spending all day with toddlers, I have little free-time. With my free-time I basically just sit on the couch watching hockey and googleing Tim Tebow and Sidney Crosby.

I hope you like neuroses because I have a TON I would love to share with you! First my foods cannot touch on my plate. If they do I won’t eat the part that touched the other food. I’d basically be the best kosher Jew ever. I also can’t stand in front of an elevator door. I don’t want to be the one that gets shot up when an angry man comes into work with a gun you know! My closet is color-coded and arranged by sleeve length. If you mess this up, I will have to put you down. If I get any sort of dirt on my socks I have to change them immediately, and if you touch my feet, well, we’ll have to end things right there.

I have a pet schnauzer, but he’s not really a pet, he’s actually a tiny person trapped in a dog’s body. His name is Wallace T. Schnauzer III and he pretty much runs the place. He’ll probably eat your underpants, but that’s a sign of love and affection. He also attacks anything/anyone that comes near me. But don’t worry! He hasn’t killed anyone…yet (smiley face)

Step 5: What you Bring to a Relationship
This is where I’m supposed to ‘sell’ myself. I tried my hardest:

I’m the most loyal person that has ever existed. (Unless you touch my feet *hee hee giggle giggle*) I’m not very emotionally stable before 10 am and pretty much anything could push me over the edge, but after that I am rock solid! Just like a statue who doesn’t have emotions. I didn’t even cry at Marley and Me. (some might say I’m emotionally numb inside!) And I don’t really enjoy physical contact, but I’m the best darn high-fiver.

I don’t believe in love at first sight, but I believe in love after enough forced time together!

Step 6: Thinking About the Qualities You Want in the Person You Date
I was supposed to write out a list again. Didn’t do it. But I went ahead and skipped to writing the paragraph:

What I’m looking for is a nice, even-tempered man who is brawny, has the jaw of a superhero, and can grow a 5 o’clock shadow on whim. A hockey player would be ideal, preferably a nice Canadian fellow. He must have flowing locks and eyes as blue as the ocean. He doesn’t care if I cocoon myself into all the blankets at night to leave him shivering in the cold. Also he must be willing to sleep on the floor, as Wallace T. Schnauzer sleeps on the other side of my bed. A nice Canadian, who allows me to yell at the TV when watching sports, (and maybe even throw some things if necessary) that’s really all I need! If this Canadian man sounds like you, feel free to contact me!

Have a lovely day!

That’s all there is to it. Now I have myself an online dating profile. It talks about how great I am and outlines exactly what I’m looking for. I personally think I did a really fantastic job. (I should add my incredible humility to my paragraph about what I bring to relationships)

I guess I’ll just post this to all the online dating websites I can find. Surely there’s a nice Canadian hockey player out there who likes neurotic females that don’t enjoy physical contact. I just know he’s out there!

And if this doesn’t get me a man, I give up. I’ll just become a spinster.

Hey Shea Weber! You're Canadian. Let's marry?

*No I haven’t. I’m going to just continue being adorable and hoping for the best.