Dear Michael Phelps,
It’s been approximately 48 hours since I watched your last Olympic race. It’s probably been a few more than 48 since your actual last race happened, but I live in the US. NBC really enjoys tape delaying things here. But that’s not really important. The real issue here is that it’s been a mere 48 hours since you and your athletic prowess graced my presence and I’m already having serious withdrawals.
Because you are no longer an Olympic participant I’m currently sitting on my couch watching the men’s track cycling sprint. I don’t know if you’ve ever witnessed this event but it’s incredibly stupid. You see, these two men are on bikes at the starting line. But they’re apparently weenies because they can’t even balance the bikes themselves. They have little cronies who hold the bikes up for them. Then once the race starts they go real, real slow. I mean really slow. Like slow enough that I could walk faster than they are riding their bikes. And eventually they start going fast, but that’s the last 15 seconds of the race. I hate it Mike. I hate track cycling. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this, but it’s no 100 meter butterfly. Do you see what you’re doing to me? By retiring from your Olympic career you are forcing me to watch stupid things.
You’re probably thinking to yourself, “But Amanda, I just stopped swimming. The actual event of swimming is still very much in existence. There are plenty of fantastic swimmers for you to latch on to. People like Ryan Lochte, Nathan Adrian or Matt Grevers. They are very talented. You can still watch swimming and not force yourself to watch stupid ‘sports’ that shouldn’t exist.”
And my response to that is a big fat PPPPPPBBBBBBBBBTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!! No Michael. I can’t just latch onto them. While you’ve spent years becoming the most decorated Olympic athlete ever, I’ve spent years growing emotionally attached to you. Sure some people might say you’re a freak what with your gorilla-like arm to torso ratio and your size 900 flipper-feet and maybe you do kind of have a horse face, but I can see past all that and only see those adorable puppy-dog eyes.
I’m not saying that you have to come back and participate in the 2016 games in Rio, I’m just simply stating that you have pretty much ruined the Olympics for me. No swimmer is ever going to be better than you let alone compare to you. You’ve broken all the records. They all belong to you. I really have nothing to live for anymore. Your Olympic career is over, therefore, my Olympic career is over. It’s like you just broke up with me after a 12 year relationship. It’s hurts Mike. It hurts bad.
I mean, I guess it’s cool that you want to have a life outside of swimming and stuff, but could you at least take me with you? I don’t really know what to do with myself now that you’re no longer going to be on my TV.
I guess if I can get past the bonnets, I could switch my obsession over to water polo. It won’t be the same, what with the proportional bodies and such, but I’ll make do I suppose.
Have a great retirement Michael. And don’t worry about me, you’ve only ruined my life a lot. I’ll get over my sadness in a few years….maybe.
- Michael Phelps Swims Last Race Of His Career (baltimore.cbslocal.com)
- Michael Phelps Just Won Gold In His Last Olympic Race Ever (businessinsider.com)
- Michael Phelps Ends Olympic Career with 22 Medals! (justjared.com)
- Michael Phelps Wins Gold Medal in Final Race of His Olympic Career (celebuzz.com)
- Michael Phelps admits: we do pee in the pool (telegraph.co.uk)