Things To Yell At A Baseball Game

a baseball game

A baseball game. Duh.

If you’ve ever attended a baseball game you will understand what I’m about to say, if not, I’m sorry. Perhaps now you can use the time you were going to spend reading this to go do something more fun like play ping-pong. Unless you like to learn in which case, feel free to stay here and keep reading.

In baseball it is perfectly acceptable to shout things at the players. There are enough drunk people around that you can pretty much do whatever without anyone even thinking twice about it. You can taunt players about their inability to play baseball. You can say mean things about their moms, you can even tell them they have a large hindquarters. This is one of the few social settings in which you can feel free to shout whatever you want without any repercussions to your actions*. Shoot, you can even yell things at the umpires if you want. In fact I would highly recommend it if you find yourself growing bored.

Recently I attended a baseball game. This wasn’t just any baseball game, this was a Nashville Sounds Triple-A baseball game. Meaning, that there are approximately 27 people in the stand on any given night. And in this particular game there was very little action happening. And that’s when it happened. I was given the all important task of searching far and wide on the internet for things to yell at baseball games. And let me tell you, the options are scarce. When you take out all the “Jeter SUUUCKS!!!!” and “STEEEEEEEERRROOOOOIDDS!!”, you are left with very few choices. While shouting things like “I AM SATISFIED WITH YOUR PERFORMANCE THUS FAR!” and “YOU COULDN’T HIT A COW WITH A SHOVEL!!!” are enjoyable, those two phrases will not last you a whole 9 innings. And that’s why I’m here, people of the world wide web. I’m here to offer suggestions of what would be quality things to yell at a baseball game. I’ve searched far and wide for the best of the best. It’s my little gift to you. You’re welcome.

Things To Yell At Players:

  • I’ve seen better swings on a porch
  • Hey! Too bad you aren’t as good at baseball as you are at being ugly!
  • I find you to be a subpar athlete!
  • My grandma could throw better than that!
  • I find your pitching to be lackluster, perhaps you are ill!
  • You should go back to Triple-A, try a little harder, gain some maturity, and come back to the majors in a year or two!
  • Your fielding is surprisingly poor compared to your teammate, yet still incredibly above-average as you are a professional baseball player and I am not!
  • It’s okay. You’re mom still loves you!
  • You couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a boat!
  • I wish my golf score was as good as your batting average!
  • The ball is that thing the catcher has!
  • Hey they killed a cow to make that glove, at least you could try to use it!
  • Is it in your contract to throw like a girl?

Things To Yell At Umpires:

  • Hey blue, if you had another eye, you’d be a cyclops! (you know, implying that he’s terrible at making calls thus assuming he has no eyeballs and the addition of a new eyeball would equal a grand total of one eyeball…..maybe in retrospect don’t use this one)
  • Turn around blue. You’re missing a good game.
  • That was a strike! You’re the worst umpire ever!
  • I thought only horses slept standing up!
  • If you’re just going to watch the game, buy a ticket!
  • I was confused the first time I saw a game too!
  • Hey ump, diarrhea has more consistency than your strike zone !
  • WRONG!
  • You couldn’t call a cab!
  • The circus is in town and the clowns are wearing blue!

Things To Yell Solely Out of Boredom:

  • Gooo baseball!!
  • Loud noises!!
  • (You could pretty much yell anything for this category. Use your imagination.)

Enjoy, my fellow baseball fans. This was all for you. If you find yourself at a sad, depressing baseball game, feel free to peruse this list and find something to spice your day up. And if nothing else, maybe it will get you kicked out of the game and then you’ll have a story to tell the grandkids about. What’s better than that?

*I actually don’t think that’s true. If you shout cusses you’ll probably get sent to baseball jail. I’m pretty sure it’s a place. I watch Seinfeld. Everywhere they go there’s a jail. Shopping malls, parking garages, they all have jails. So why wouldn’t a baseball stadium have a jail?

Birds are for the Birds

Birds. What the heck is up with birds?

I realize that our nation’s symbol is the majestic bald eagle and such, but I’m not okay with them. (also let’s not forget our nations bird was almost a turkey…so that’s weird) Sure, birds look awesome soaring through the sky. They’re so beautiful and graceful. Yada yada yada. No. They’re creepy and disgusting and I don’t care for them.

Allow me to explain myself.

They Fly
What’s that about? How do they do that? I’ve flapped my arms really hard at times, and have never taken off into the air to soar amongst the clouds. Not even once. I even tried it while wearing extremely large sleeves so as to catch air beneath them and still nothing*. I can’t fly. Birds should not be able to do things I cannot do. Sometimes they even fly into windows. That’s just plain stupidity. Dumb birds.

They Walk??
Birds have this fantastic ability to fly, and yet I see them walking all over the place. Why would they do that? If I could fly, I would not be walking anywhere ever. What are they trying to do with that? Are they trying to show off to the other birds? “Oh hey look at me, I’m walking and your stuck up there flying! Ha ha.” Um not impressed birds. I can walk. More impressive when you fly. Morons.

They’re Related to Dinosaurs
I’ve seen Jurassic Park. I don’t want dinosaurs roaming this earth. That t-rex ate Newman right off the toilet. Just ate him right up. I’m not okay with living my life trying to keep from being eaten as I use the restroom. Get out of here, dinosaur-birds.

They Pop Out at Random Times
One time at the zoo a tiny little chicken walked out of a bush at me. And I mean AT me. That thing was out for blood. Why did that tiny chicken do that to me? Well because he was a bird. And birds are terrible. Also they’re always flying in front of my car like they want to die. With me being the kind animal lover that I am, I do my best to avoid hitting them. And then what do these birds do? They fly out of the way as I’m swerving to my death trying to keep from killing them. They’re trying to cause me to crash and I know it. Why are they always popping out at me? I will never purchase a cuckoo clock. Never.

They Poop Everywhere
After I save their lives and don’t run them over in my car…they thank me by pooping right in the middle of my windshield. Stupid, stupid birds.

They Carry Disease
Bird flu? Ever heard of it? I have, and I don’t want it. I don’t want a disease from a bird. “How did Amanda die again? Oh she touched a bird and got the flu. What a terrible way to go.” I’m not letting a bird take me down. Not now, not ever.

Go ahead and try to convince me that there are good qualities about birds. I’m not buying it. Birds are the worst. And that’s why I will never visit Sesame Street, where the biggest bird of all lives. Can you imagine the mess he’d make on my windshield??

*Not a true story. I might try it tomorrow though.