Amanda’s Guide to Playoff Hockey

I talk about hockey a lot, it’s kind of my thing. But let’s be real, I don’t have a lot going for me right now, so pretty much the NHL Playoffs are all I have. It’s cool though guys. Don’t worry about me. I’m not a sad sack or anything.*

But it also occurs to me that most people do not care nearly as much as I do. But I’d like everyone to because then I wouldn’t be alone in my excitement. So in an effort to bring all of you over to my side I’ve prepared this handy guide to the NHL playoffs. Just follow along and you’ll go far.

Amanda’s Simple Guide to the Stanley Cup Playoffs

You are allowed allegiance to one Western conference team and one Eastern conference team. Example: Amanda’s Western Conference Team: Nashville Predators. Amanda’s Eastern Conference Team: Pittsburgh Penguins

It is perfectly okay for all productive activities in your life to cease during the playoffs. The NHL wants you watch all the games. That’s why the show them all on tv. You don’t even have to feel like a slug for never leaving your couch. It’s totally cool.

If the hockey gods are against you and your chosen teams gets knocked out of the playoffs you are allowed to choose a replacement to fill the void. Example: Amanda’s Western conference second choice: Phoenix Coyotes. Eastern conference: Florida Panthers. Although I do not plan on needing to utilize my second choices.

If you enjoy a player on an opposing team you are not allowed to verbally admit it. Example: Claude Giroux is really great and has a red beard, but he plays for the Flyers. I cannot admit I like him because I want the Penguins to win, therefore Claude is the enemy.

While playoff beards can occasionally become disgusting we are not allowed to complain about them. They provide some sort of magical powers. Example: Kevin Klein. Dude had exactly 4 goals in 66 regular season games. He now has 2 goals in 5 playoff games. Fluke? No. Playoff beard power? Absolutely.

That’s some serious beard power

If you go to the bathroom while the puck is in play, someone will score. This is a fact proven by me. So don’t go to the bathroom, unless you like missing out on game changing moments.

It’s perfectly natural to jump around and celebrate a game winning shot even if you are alone in your living room with only a dog. Not that I’ve ever done this. That would be super weird.**

Despite the fact that Sidney Crosby‘s lips look plump enough to use as a pillow for sleeping, don’t say it out loud. Especially around males. They will think you are crazy. Again, I’ve never done this.***

Seriously, those things are plump

If you spend your hard-earned cash on playoff tickets, your team will lose that game. So that sucks, but you’ll probably still spend your money anyway just for a chance at a taste of that playoff atmosphere.

Goaltenders are weird. They just are. Don’t blame losses on them. They will take it super personally and proceed to lose 3 games in a row. Example: Marc Andre-Fleury‘s super choke at the beginning of the playoffs.

Do not NOT wear your lucky socks. You cannot afford taking a chance with the hockey gods at this point in the season. Your socks may be the only thing allowing your team to win. You don’t want to have to shoulder the blame of a loss just because you were too arrogant to wear your lucky turkey socks.

It’s absolutely okay to slam Henrik Zetterberg’s head into glass if you are Shea Weber. You will not get suspended. Totally cool. I’m a Shea Weber fan, but the guy should not have done this. Hockey gods were on his side obviously.

And finally, you can totally cry when your team doesn’t win the Stanley Cup. I won’t even make fun of you.

Editors Note: The Penguins are out. Let’s go Panthers! (Mostly just this guy. Gotta love Ol’ No-Chin Smithson)

Jerred Smithson

*Ya, I am.
**Guys I’ve done this. Several times.
***I absolutely have.

A Day With the Stanley Cup? Yes Please!

Recently my dear brother informed me via twitter of the best contest that has ever existed in the history of ever. It’s a contest for the ultimate hockey fan, which not to brag, is me.

I can win a day with THE Stanley Cup. Ever heard of it? Big shiny silver cup? Looks kinda like this (actually it looks exactly like this, being that this is a photo of it):
Hockey players drink booze out of it? Ringing any bells? So if I win this contest I can invite 25 of my closest friends to take photos with the cup o’ Stanley. We can look at it, we can touch it and we can just basically have an all around good time with the cup. (We CANNOT put food or beverage in it however. The rules very clearly state this fact) And just to top of the joy of a day spent with Stanley, I will get two tickets to the Stanley Cup final game. As in the game where they drink all the booze out of the cup with which I have just spent the day with. So ya I kind of want to win this prize.

All I have to do is submit an essay explaining why I deserve a day with ol’ Stanley and a photo depicting my passion for the sport of hockey. What better place to try out my rough draft than right here on the good ol’ WWW. The world-wide web. Let me know what you guys think. This is the best essay that I have ever written in my entire life. And I wrote a lot of essays in my 4 years of college.

Why Amanda Deserves a Day with the Stanley Cup

I really like hockey. No scratch that. I really LOVE hockey.
I didn’t realize how much I loved hockey until I moved to Nashville in August. I attended the first home game of the Nashville Predators and since that initial game I have spent nearly a billion dollars on hockey. Essentially I became obsessed with the sport of hockey. I was a girl who never really followed sports much and now I have become a terror to those around me. I have random hockey trivia for every situation. I follow the standings religiously. I taunt the other teams when they come into our arena. I even spent a small fortune on a jersey when I was unemployed (granted this was not a wise decision but we’re cool now. I have a job again) I’ve spent another small fortune on the lottery known as mystery pucks, hoping for a Tootoo or a Weber, and you know what? I’ve gotten both. Because I am the ultimate hockey fan and have the hockey gods on my side. If I didn’t truly love hockey the hockey gods would never even come near me. So anyway, for the ultimate hockey fan like myself, a chance to see, feel, smell, and maybe even taste the Stanley Cup is a dream come true. If I could feel that shiny guy I would be the happiest person that has ever existed.

I will never have the talent or ability to win a Stanley Cup myself
I have zero balance. Ask my wii fit. It tells me all the time that I have the worst balance ever. There’s no possible way I can ever be good at ice skating without good balance. And if I can’t ice skate I’ll never be able to play hockey and if I can’t play hockey I’ll never be on an NHL team and if I never get to play on an NHL team I’ll never win the Stanley Cup. (Also I’m a girl. That’s the other reason why I’ll never be able to play in the NHL) So winning this contest would be my only opportunity to touch the Stanley Cup (this may not be an actual fact, but you can’t prove otherwise). If I don’t ever get to spend a day with the Stanley Cup I don’t know if my life is worth living. I’ll never be able to cross “touch the Stanley Cup” off my bucket list. Then I will die unhappily. But seriously, I need to spend a day with that thing. Sidney Crosby’s giant lips have touched it. If my regular sized lips touch it also, it will be like I kissed Sid, right on the lips. And ya, I want that in my life.

I’m a broke college graduate
I recently graduated college. Thus I have no money in my life. And the money I do have is being used to pay for the education that I am not currently utilizing. And my degree is in ministry. I will never ever make enough money to attend the Stanley Cup final game. NEVER. (unless my marriage proposal to Shea Weber works out, but I’m not holding my breath on that one) If I win this contest this would be the only time in my life I would be able to attend this game. Because I’m poor. I can’t afford tickets. I just can’t. And that’s why I need you to pick my essay and photo as the best EVER and allow me the opportunity to see the Stanley Cup live and in person. And then see the Stanley Cup final game live and in person as well. It would only be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

So in conclusion, I’m poor, have no balance and love hockey. And that is why I should be given the opportunity to spend a day with Stanley. And I promise not to put any food or drink inside of it because I’m a rule follower. I might sniff it though. That wouldn’t be weird would it? Oh well. Anyway, I deserve a day with the Stanley Cup because I am the ultimate hockey fan!

If this isn’t hockey passion, I have no idea what is.

That should just about do it. I’m almost positive that I will win with that essay and that fantastic photo! I’ll let you guys know when I win, and maybe 25 of you guys can also touch the Stanley Cup! Wouldn’t that be the best?

Bucket List: The Amanda Edition

A couple of years ago some friends and I went to see the movie The Bucket List. My main reason for going along was that it starred Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Have you ever seen a Morgan Freeman movie? I have. I have seen lots of them. They are always phenomenal, mainly because of his soothing voice. And Jack Nicholson is very popular. I haven’t seen so many of his movies. I’ve seen Mars Attacks!, but I don’t judge him for that one. If I did I would not have gone to see this movie. But I have digressed. I saw the previews for The Bucket List and it looked full of hilarious moments, heartbreak and warm fuzzys all around. So ya. I went with my friends and saw this movie.

If you haven’t seen it, first of all, what’s wrong with you? It’s a great flick. Go get that sucker out of the Redbox, like right now! Second of all it’s about two old guys, Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson, who are both diagnosed with cancer. Rather than sitting around and feeling sorry for themselves they decide to go out and do all the things they’ve always wanted to do but never have, because, basically they’re dying and have nothing left to lose. Thus, the title of the move, The Bucket List. You know, a list of things to complete before you…kick the bucket. It’s pretty clever. Anyway, I was inspired by this movie. I needed to make a bucket list. I didn’t want to die before I did everything I had ever dreamed of. So I had ever intention of sitting down and doing it right that day. I did not. I still have not. Good thing I haven’t died yet.

So here it is. Amanda’s Bucket List. All real and all things I would like to accomplish. And at least 10% of them are actually attainable.

  1. Hike the Grand Canyon. I feel everyone has this on their list. But I really want to do it. I need a hiking buddy. And a better cardio routine, so I don’t die halfway down.
  2. Purchase an english bulldog. Name him Kevin. Because Kevin is a great name for a bulldog.

    The future Kevin.

  3. See Brad Paisley at the Grand Ole Opry. I live in Nashville now. Obviously this is a must.
  4. See the ocean. How I have made it through almost 23 years of life and never seen the ocean is beyond me.
  5. Find an Eskimo. Ask them to list all the words for snow. Jordin Tootoo, I’m coming for ya!
  6. Invent a crayon eraser. Nothing makes my skin crawl more than small children trying to scratch crayon off of paper. They need erasers.
  7. See a Cubs game at Wrigley Field.
  8. Break my shoulder and have my tendons heal to tightly so I can throw a ball back all the way from the outfield to the catcher at Wrigley Field, Rookie of the Year style. Funky Buttlovin’!

    What happened to this kid? What's he doing now?

  9. Meet Kim Kardashian and ask her why she is so popular. Then tell her that her voice is too squeaky and no one likes it.
  10. Tell Sergei Kostitsyn he’s my favorite Belarusian. (I met him once. I just said “Hi!” and then “Thanks!” when he gave me an autograph. Talk about a missed opportunity.)
  11. Sit on the glass at a Predators game. Very attainable, just have not done it yet.
  12. Find the person who decided women should shave their legs and murder them. This would probably be the last thing I do, as it would imprison me for life.
  13. Ride and/or purchase a segway. If flying cars don’t exist yet, I at least want one of those so I can feel like I’m in The Jetson’s.

    Look how much fun these guys are having!

  14. Meet Mike “the situation” Sorrentino and punch him right in the eye for being such a meat head.
  15. See Sidney Crosby play hockey in real life before he goes and breaks his head for the last time and can never play again.
  16. Go back in time to before twitter or facebook existed and invent them. I would be RICH!
  17. Marry Shea Weber. Um….yep. That’s all I got on that one.
  18. Go to Seattle. Find Tom Hanks on the Space Needle.
  19. Go hop with the kangaroos in Australia.
  20. Pay off my car and student loans. I’m getting there guys! I’ll complete this one! I will.
  21. Meet Tim Tebow, and tell him how much of an incredible human being he really is. For real. I’m sure people tell him all the time, but I still want to. Dude’s incredible.
  22. Touch Shea Weber’s playoff beard.

    Seriously. The thing is bushy!

  23. Have 100 twitter followers. This will never happen for me. Apparently my tweets are just that terrible. Oh well. A girl can dream.
  24. Watch Avatar all the way through…in one sitting. Never been able to do it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
  25. Give birth to a child and name it….Colby Jack. Like the cheese.
  26. And my final bucket list item is meet Alex Ovechkin. Punch him in the face for being a punk all the time. Then ask him why he still lives with his parents. After that we’ll have a good laugh about me punching him in the face and we will become the best of friends.

Sorry Ovi. It's on my bucket list. It has to happen.

That’s all I got for now. Hopefully I don’t kick the bucket anytime soon, because I am nowhere near completing this list of…bucket tasks? (Is that what we call them? It’s what I’m calling them now. TRADEMARKED!)

Hold The Phone! I’m a Girl AND I like Hockey?

Sergei Kostitsyn, you are my favorite Belarusian.

First let me start out by saying, I haven’t always been the biggest sports fan. I would go to the occasional baseball or basketball games, but I didn’t really follow anything closely enough that you could call me a die-hard fan. That is until I discovered hockey.

One taste of hockey and I was hooked. I don’t know if it was the speed at which the game progressed at, or the possibility of Jordin Tootoo punching the poo out of someone, but I got sucked in. Normally in a sports type setting I people watch. I enjoy watching the people around to see how stupid they can actually be. But not at hockey games. I was actually watching the game. I found myself getting angry when someone would walk in front of the action. I made passive aggressive comments about the people who would walk in front of me. I never did this at baseball games. Something weird was happening. I liked this sport, actually I didn’t just like it, I LOVED it.

Ask me any question about the Predators, I can probably answer it. I got sucked into this sport and I did as much possible research as I could. Some might say I’m out of control. I don’t see it that way. I just didn’t want to be ignorant person asking questions about what the round black thing on the ice was. I wanted to know what was happening. I looked up the rules and all the ways you can get penalties. I read statistics on a daily basis. Turns out I have actually become incredibly knowledgeable on the subject. I’m still trying to figure out how this happened to me, but it did and I’m done questioning. I’ve finally found a sport that speaks to me and I love it.

All this being said, I’m afraid with all my talk of marrying Shea Weber or Colin Wilson I’ve given the world the impression that I only enjoy hockey for the looking at of the players. Sure I won’t deny some of the hockey players are attractive, particularly the Europeans and if one proposed to me I would not say no, but that’s not why I watch hockey. I actually LIKE the sport. I don’t spend my money on tickets and jerseys just in hopes that some player will see me in the crowd and want to be my forever love. And I haven’t made a day-glo colored sign proposing to anyone either*. (in fact the girls who make signs and wear pink jerseys concern me. Why are you wasting your money on tickets to something you don’t understand? Well, I know why, but seriously? Do you really think that’s going to work out for you? I don’t)

I recorded the Penguins/Bruins game today. Why did I do this? Because I love Marc Andre Fleury and Milan Lucic? No. While I find both of them to be very talented hockey players, I did it for the sole reason of wanting to watch it, because I enjoy watching hockey. Because I like the sport. And not just the athletes.

It’s weird right? A girl, who likes sports, and NOT just because she finds the players attractive? WHAT?? That’s crazy talk. Girls can’t like hockey. They only like hockey because they think that Sidney Crosby is dreamy and they want to go necking with Claude Giroux.

False. Girls can like hockey. And I do. You can’t stop me. I will wear my jersey to games. (if I was looking for love at a hockey game do you REALLY think I would wear a jersey? The things are not flattering!) I will mock the person behind me who says Paul Goose-Todd came from the Montreal Canadiens and I will scoff at the man next to me who Wikipedias the Kostitsyn brothers**. It’s just going to happen. Sorry, but I’m a girl and I like hockey. And if you’re a man who tries to spit stats that aren’t true, I’m probably going to consider punching you***.

I actually really like the game and I am not just a puck bunny thank you very much!****


*Ok. I made one for Brandon Yip in this post, but it was purely for ironic purposes. I threw it away immediately and DID NOT take it to a game.
**Really? The Kostitsyns? They’re only my favs. Don’t Wikipedia them next to me. I will want to punch you. Also Paul GAUSTAD came from the Buffalo Sabres. Moron.
***Hey buddy. Nick Spaling is the player who the Preds are 13-0-1 when he scores. Not Mike Fisher. Come on! Don’t be spitting lies!
****Puck bunny: a young female hockey fan, especially one motivated more by a desire to meet the players than by an interest in hockey. NOT Amanda.

It’s Leap Day Shea Weber!

In the last 15 minutes I have discovered that leap day is the greatest day of the year for me. Do you want to know why? Well first go read this: Leap Day: Watch Out Men, The Women Are A-Comin’! Did you read it? Did you? Are you lying? If you answered yes to the last one go back and read it again. Thanks.

Ok. So now that you’ve read that, apparently as long as I’m wearing my red underpants I can propose to Shea Weber. All he can do is say no. If he says no, I get a silk gown and a kiss. Win-win situation right there guys. I either get a hunky husband or I get a gown and a smooch, right on the lips. I’ll take either. (I’d really rather have the Shea Weber though)

Unfortunately Shea Weber has locked himself away in some secret lair here in Nashville, increasing his hockey abilities so I haven’t been able to find him anywhere. But I’ve strapped on my red underpants and have written this lovely proposal email that I plan to send to him:

Dearest Shea Weber,

As you know, it is February 29th. This is leap day. You do have leap day in Canada right? Or should I say ‘eh? I’m never really sure how to talk to you Canadians. Also do you want to explain Boxing Day to me? I’ve looked it up on the Wikipedia and I still don’t get it. Maybe you can use regular words to help me out. But I digress from the real purpose of this letter. I’m writing to propose marriage to you.

I realize that this seems forward, but see on leap day it’s okay for me to do this. Maybe you aren’t aware of the rules. I’m allowed to propose marriage on leap day, and only leap day. So I’m taking my day of the leaping and I choose you! Aren’t you lucky? (you are, in case you were questioning it. I’m very lovely)

I’d like to take this moment to say to you, Shea Michael Weber, will you marry me and be my forever hockey husband? Will you love, honor and provide me with lifetime Predators season tickets? Will you be mine? Will you marry me?

Don’t feel pressured, but I kinda need a response by midnight. So just let me know. Oh, also, if you say no to my proposal you have to kiss me and buy me a silk gown. (silk gowns are pretty hard to come by these days, so it’d probably just be easier for you to marry me)

So anyway, I was thinking a spring wedding. Right after you win the Stanley Cup. We can marry right here in Nashville and honeymoon in your magical homeland, Canada. Sound good? I think so too Shea!!

Well, I look forward to hearing from you within the next 2 hours and 43 minutes!

Sincerely yours,

There it is. My proposal letter. It has been emailed.* Shea Weber has 2 hours and 38 minutes to respond to me. I’ve got my fingers crossed, hoping for a yes! Your move Shea. I’ll be waiting!

*No it hasn’t. I’m not a crazy person**, guys. I didn’t really send this to Shea Weber.

**I might be a crazy person, but I don’t have Shea Weber’s email, that’s why it hasn’t been sent.

Hey Sidney Crosby, I’m Your Biggest Fan!

Sidney Crosby

Image via Wikipedia

Dear Sidney Crosby,

Hi! You don’t know me, but I know you! That sounded a little creepy didn’t it? I’m real sorry about that. Anyway, how’s it going?

I don’t know if you know this about yourself, but you used to be a phenomenal hockey player. Remember in 2010, you scored the winning goal in the gold medal hockey game, for your native land of Canada? And remember how you hold the record for the youngest everything ever in the NHL?

Look at all this stuff:
First rookie to record 100 points and 100 penalty minutes in a season
Youngest player to record 100 points in a season
Youngest player to record 200 career points (19 years and 207 days)
Youngest player to record 2 consecutive 100 point seasons
Youngest player voted to the starting lineup in an All-Star Game
Youngest full team captain
Youngest NHL captain to win Stanley Cup (21 years, 10 months, and 5 days)

Those were good times weren’t they Sid? You were a star. And then this happened:


You broke your brain. And now you do nothing except skate around on ice without playing hockey, you’re essentially a figure skater. No one really likes you anymore. Now don’t get sad about that Sidney. You have only played like 8 games in the last year. Surely you can see where I’m coming from here. It’s no wonder people are starting to get angry at you and saying you’re a big baby with a broken head. You don’t do anything and you’re supposedly the Captain of your team.

But I don’t think you’re a baby Sid. That’s why I’m writing this letter to you. Because I like you, broken head or not. And since I’m probably the only one who still likes you, I was wondering if I could get a few things.

1. I’d like a million dollars. You’re being paid right now, but let’s be honest Sidney, you’re not doing anything to earn it. You could sacrifice a few mill. If you could just give me 1 million for being your biggest fan, we’ll call it even.

2. I’m also going to need a real penguin. You play for (well, you are a member of) the Pittsburgh Penguins. Surely you’ve got some sort of connection with a penguin breeder. I need a pet. Get me one Sid.

3. You also played in the olympics with Shea Weber. You guys are probably friends, right? Could you introduce us? I’d really like to marry him.

4. If you can’t get Shea Weber, will you marry me?

5. I’d also like an autographed puck

That’s it Sidney. Just those 5 things. I’m the only who still thinks you can play hockey. I haven’t once called you a whiny baby for having a broken brain. (Trust me, people call you whiny a lot, and sometimes you act a little whiny. I’ve seen the YouTube videos, and I still like ya!) I google you only a weekly* basis just to check on your brain progress. So anyway, you can see how supportive I am, during this time of broken braindom.

*daily. I’m out of control

If you could offer me the same support in fulfilling those demands, that would be phenomenal.

If you don’t, I’m going to be mad at you for a little bit. But I’ll probably still like you, dang it! You’re so darn adorable!

Okay, well have a nice day Sidney! Hope your brain/neck/spine gets better soon!


Amanda, aka Your Biggest (and maybe your only) Fan

Raise Your Valentine Game to the Next Level with my Simple “Build Your Own Love Letter”

February. The month that everyone spells incorrectly. It’s not Feb-u-ary you guys. Feb-ru-ary. It’s not that hard. Just sound it out. February get the shaft because everyone spells it wrong, but it’s also been shorted when it comes to number of days. While all the rest of the months get 30-31 days, poor old February only gets 28. However this is February’s lucky year. It gets 29 days instead of just 28. (Also let’s take a minute to wish all the leap year babies a Happy Birthday. They only get one every 4 years. They deserve this.)

But despite it’s short stature, February has got a lot going for it in 2012. Black History Month, Groundhog Day, the Super Bowl, Mardi Gras, Ash Wednesday. February really hit the holiday jackpot this year!! It feels like I missing something though. What could it be?

Oh ya. Valentine’s Day. February is the month of love (If you didn’t already please go back and read that sentence as if you were Morgan Freeman)

If you’re anything like me you’re not so great at this Valentine’s day thing. If it doesn’t come in a box with lollipops stuck into it or say something adorable like, ‘You’re Dino-mite, Valentine’ I don’t know how to handle a Valentine.

See. Isn't this adorable?

So to make all of our lives easier I’ve come up with a handy fill-in-the-blank love letter. Don’t stress yourselves out on the candy aisles at Walmart trying to find that perfect puppy card. Just simply personalize the following letter and send it to your Valentine this year.

Dear (name of love interest),

You have the (favorite quality of your love interest). I think of you every time I (time/place you think of your love interest). I would greatly enjoy (activity you’d like to participate in with your love interest) with you. Valentines day is coming up very soon. I think we should get together on February 14, 2012 at (place you’d like to go with you love interest). That way you can become my Valentine. And then we can fall in love. If this sounds like a great plan and you’d love to be my Valentine also please check yes. If this sounds like a terrible idea just check no, but please don’t file a restraining order.

____ YES!!!              ____NO!!

(Your name)

I’ve taken the time to fill out my own love letter as an example, if you need reference to how to fill out yours. I know sometimes expressing true feelings is difficult. I wrote mine to Shea Weber of the Nashville Predators. (Because he’s dreamy and I’d like to be his Valentine. Duh)

Dear Shea Weber of the Nashville Predators,

You have the most beautiful 5 o’clock shadow. I think of you every time I watch a hockey game on the television. I would greatly enjoy holding hands and making googly eyes with you. Valentines day is coming up very soon. I think we should get together on February 14, 2012 at The Hard Rock Cafe in Nashville. That way you can become my Valentine. And then we can fall in love. If this sounds like a great plan and you’d love to be my Valentine also please check yes. If this sounds like a terrible idea please check no, but please don’t file a restraining order.

____ YES!!!              ____NO!!


It’s perfect. It gets my true feelings across and gets straight to the point of my desire to be Shea’s valentine. I can’t think of a better way to find true love than through this very phenomenally constructed letter. If you really want to catch your love’s eye glue it onto a doily such as this one. Then it’s a sure thing.

No one can say not to a love letter on a doily

I’ll be honest though. I don’t know the success rate of this letter. I haven’t tried it yet. Luckily I’ve got until the 14th to find my Valentine. So for best results I recommend sending a letter everyday until the 14th.* You can send it to the same person over and over or choose a different person everyday. All 14 people can’t turn you down, right? So get started constructing your love letters guys. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors for love.

See you guys later. I’m off to the post office to send Shea my love letter!

*I actually do not recommend this if you enjoy being a respected member of society and not having 14 restraining orders against you. If you do like restraining orders than by all means, carry on.

Dear Kindergarten Me

Dear Amanda,

How’s kindergarten going for you? Ha, that’s silly of me to ask mainly because I already know. How do I know? Well because I am you, 17 years later. And no I’m not REALLY old. When we get older 22 is not old at all. In fact, get this, our mom, she’s like 50. Now, that, is OLD.

You’re probably wondering why I’m writing you. Well my goal is try and save us from some of the embarassing things we’re going to do later in life. So here goes.

Let me start by saying, we are not going to marry Scott Anderson. In fact he’ll move away after first grade and we’ll never see him again. I know, I know. His blonde hair and blue eyes are very appealing, but don’t worry boys get better looking when we get older. They get muscles and can grow beards. It’s fantastic really. This is the ‘Scott Anderson’ of your grown up life:

Shea Weber, the dreamest hockey player of all the hockey players

I know he looks old to you now, but it will make more sense as we get older. (Trust me, he. is. dreamy.)

Next, the big fluffy bangs thing…it’s not working for us. Eventually our mother will stop cutting our hair. That’s when we discover that our forehead is not actually that big and we can pull off the no bang look. I’m telling you though, the bangs do not grow in that quickly. People will tell us they’ll grow back fast. They don’t. We will discover this many times with many bad haircuts. Also, we’re going to think if we take a picture to the hairstylist they’ll give us what we want. They won’t. They basically give us the same haircut every single time. Just roll with it. That’s all we can really do.

I’ve got some bad new for you though. The cartoons peak when we’re in kindergarten. Starting about age 10 we’ll notice the quality of them going downhill very rapidly. Bugs Bunny, Road Runner, Arthur, they all go away and are replaced with things like CatDog and Spongebob. While we will go through a Spongebob phase, trust me nothing will ever be better than those cartoons we wake up so early on Saturday mornings for. YOU CHERISH THOSE CARTOONS LITTLE AMANDA. YOU CHERISH THEM. You don’t know what you have til it’s gone.

Also just a forewarning. We will do dumb things to injure ourselves. It just happens. Turns out we’re fairly clumsy. Watch out for the football unit in 6th grade p.e. class. We’ll try to catch that NERF football but it WILL hit us right on the tip of our left ring finger and it WILL break. Our mom won’t take us to the hospital though. She’ll just get some ace bandages and a plastic spoon handle to make a splint. (We’ll still be questioning her decision to do that when we’re 22). Don’t worry though, around high school we’ll finally be able to bend the tip all the way again. In 8th grade we’re going to be trying to grasp the attention of a boy. (We do this a lot. We’re kind of an idiot in junior high) We will trip and fall, but catch ourselves right under the corner of a pool table. This will rip our new jeans and also rip a large amount of flesh out of our right leg. It doesn’t hurt too bad, but it looks real gross. Again, our mother will not take us to the hospital. She’ll take us to the grocery store to get some butterfly bandages. We will have an ugly scar. (Slightly emotional, but mostly physical) We’re pretty safe for next few years until our freshman year of college. We try to avoid someone at a football game by following our brother around. He’ll decide to climb over a fence as a shortcut. We will try, but we’ll get our hand caught on the top of the fence. This will bleed a lot. Luckily we’re wearing a black shirt so the blood doesn’t show when we use it as a tourniquet and thusly no one assumes we’ve been shot. This time we will choose to not go to the hospital on our own and instead opt for those darn butterfly bandages again. We’re convinced it’s getting infected but it doesn’t. We still have our left hand at 22. Those are the main stupid injuries we inflict upon ourselves. If you want to go ahead and try to avoid them, that’d be great.

I know you don’t like sports right now. But something happens around ages 18-22 and we somehow become a sports fanatic. It starts with baseball, then hockey and finally we find ourselves watching football and yelling at the tv. (Don’t worry. This confuses me too) It just happens. I’m very sorry about this. We begin remembering useless sports trivia. We yell along with crowds in arenas. I’m only telling you this to warn you. This sports thing just sneaks up on us. It’s ok though because now we can talk intelligently about such things.

FYI. We do pass English our senior year of high school. It was a little touch and go there for a while but we make it through. We graduate and everything, then we head to college. We do not sleep at all the first two years. This will be a terrible decision and our grades will reflect this. But again don’t worry. We make it through that too and graduate. Oh and that person we were trying to avoid your freshman year…well I tell you more about him in person once we’ve invented time machines. The Internet is a big place and he might read this letter.

Sorry, we don’t get married at 18 like all the MASH games said we would. But it’s ok because at 22 we’re still not ready for marriage anyway. Oh and watch out for that car turning left on your way home from work. They’re going to run into us.

All in all our life is pretty good though. So just enjoy those cartoons while you can!

See ya in 17 years!

Future Amanda

PS. Life is not like the Jetsons when we get to the year 2000. I was pretty disappointed about that as well.