The Truth About Women (You’re Welcome Guys)

Females are complex creatures. We do many strange things that the male race does not understand. In fact sometimes I don’t even understand the things we do. But nonetheless these things are done without fail. In an effort to dispel some of the rumors and confusion I thought I would do my best to answer/solve the many mysteries of women.

I did a poll of random men* on the street to find out the most confusing aspects of female-dom. And these are the question that I received:

Why do you guys always go to the bathroom together?
Why do women take so long to get ready?
Why do you all make that stupid face when putting on mascara?
What’s with painting your fingernails and toenails?
Why do women always fall for the ‘your air filter needs changed’ trick at Valvoline Instant Oil Change?
Why do you need so many shoes?
Do you really need 15 different kinds of shampoos and conditioners?
You have that sweater in 4 different colors. Why?
Are you really so helpless that you can’t change your own tire?
6 inch heels? What the heck?
Is Ryan Gosling really that attractive?
Why is your purse so heavy?
Why do I find your hair EVERYWHERE?
Why do women shave their legs?
Why do women have periods?
Do women like facial hair?
Are women crazy?

Why do you guys always go to the bathroom together?
Simple. We don’t want to be murdered. If you go to the bathroom alone and there’s a murderer hiding in one of the stalls, BAM, your done-zo. If you go with 3-4 others you’re good. That’s too many people to murder without someone noticing. Plus if you don’t know where the bathroom is in a restaurant it’s a lot better to wander around aimlessly with someone else rather than alone.

Why do women take so long to get ready?
Because we can. The end.

Why do you all make that stupid face when putting on mascara?
Well, because we value our eyesight. One rogue mascara brush to the retina and you’re out of the game for days. It’s a known fact that unless you also open your mouth the eyes are not capable of fully opening.

What’s with painting your fingernails and toenails?
…..ya, I don’t know.

Why do women always fall for the ‘your air filter needs changed’ trick at Valvoline Instant Oil Change?
Because that bald-headed man is terrifying. Plus the air filter looked kind of dirty. So ya, sure change that sucker.

Why do you need so many shoes?
C’mon. Really? You can’t wear tennis shoes with skinny jeans and you can’t wear boots with sweat pants. A girl needs options. And perhaps 95% of the shoes don’t get worn, big deal. Someday I WILL need those whale print rain boots. You don’t know.

Do you really need 15 different kinds of shampoos and conditioners?
Yes.

You have that sweater in 4 different colors. Why?
Um, because it fits. If you find something that works, you get ALL of them.

Are you really so helpless that you can’t change your own tire?
Yes. I’m sure if I tried hard enough I could do it, but I don’t want to try. Go ahead buddy. Save the day.

6 inch heels? What the heck?
That’s just Lady Gaga. We don’t claim her as one of us.

Is Ryan Gosling really that attractive?
Um….yes.

Why is your purse so heavy?
You do not need to know. It’s women stuff. Plus if you knew the real reason you’d probably regret asking.

Why do I find your hair EVERYWHERE?
That’s a fair question….I don’t know the answer.

Why do women shave their legs?
Um…pretty sure that’s your fault guys. I know for a fact I don’t do it because I enjoy it. Someone, somewhere (most likely a man) decided women were infinitely more gorgeous with smooth shiny legs. I hate that person.

Why do women have periods?
……….Go back to 5th grade health class. Ok bye!

Do women like facial hair?
Absolutely! As long as it well-kept. No ZZ-Top beards or any kind of mustaches. We find those terrifying.

Are women crazy?
Asking that question is a sure-fire way to find out the answer.

There you go fellas. The answers to all the questions you’ve ever had about women. Now you know every thing about us and what makes us tick. You will never be confused by our actions ever again.** You are very welcome.

 

 

*False. I typed in ‘why do women…’ on google and took the top things that popped up. Also I made up the other 98%.
**Nope.

Amanda’s Simple Guide to Common Human Courtesy

I try my best to avoid going into public places for many reasons. The main one being, I hate people. I realize this is a pretty aggressive statement, but have you guys ever experienced people? I have, and some of them are very exhausting. And the people that I interact with in public are the worst people of all the people in the history of ever. It seems to me that I’m the only one who know how to conduct myself properly in public. And that’s a very scary thing.

You guys are in for a real treat though, because I have compiled a list of rules for common courtesy (it can also serve as a handy guide as to what you are allowed to do to punish those who don’t use common courtesy) It’s sure to help you out in your day to day endeavors. And if you want, you can even print them out to carry with you so you have the rules on hand at all times.

• If two people are walking in opposite directions on the same path both parties should take one step to their right. Thus making passing by each other easy and smooth, removing the awkward ‘dancing’ that often occurs.
• If one party refuses to stand up allowing the other party greater ease in exiting a row, the first party must answer the question “crotch or butt?” as to which part of the exiting party they would like in their face as they shimmy by to purchase a hot pretzel or use the restroom. (ie: church pews or stadium seats)
• When shopping and using a cart to hold the items to be purchased, the cart must be within 2 feet of the party using said cart. If it is not within the required distance, the party encumbered by the abandoned cart is given a free pass to return all items in the shopping cart back on the shelf.
• If riding on an escalator one should NEVER stand on the same step as a stranger. If this rule is broken, the person who was on the step first is given free reign to slap the offending party in the face.
• When using a soft drink dispenser a person can only fill up on cup at a time. If the party has more than one cup to fill they must return to the end of the line after each fill up before they move to the next cup. (ie: gas stations, fast food restaurants)
• If one party says the polite phrase “excuse me” and the other party acknowledges the first party, yet does not make any indication that they plan to move, the first party is allowed to hockey check the second party in order to get to where they need to be.
• If a person stands up at any point, for any reason, while the puck is in play at a hockey game, any of the party’s who’s view is encumbered by the first party’s melon-head, are allowed to shout obscenities and/or hockey fight, until the first party sits back down. (you know who you are melon-head!)

Hopefully this helps. I feel if everyone knows and follows these rules society, as a whole, will become much more polite. And if they’re not more polite, they are at least aware of the consequence that will be bestowed upon them.

On a side note, I can’t wait til I get my own manners column in the weekly paper! I’m really good at this.