Hey Sidney Crosby, I’m Your Biggest Fan!

Sidney Crosby

Image via Wikipedia

Dear Sidney Crosby,

Hi! You don’t know me, but I know you! That sounded a little creepy didn’t it? I’m real sorry about that. Anyway, how’s it going?

I don’t know if you know this about yourself, but you used to be a phenomenal hockey player. Remember in 2010, you scored the winning goal in the gold medal hockey game, for your native land of Canada? And remember how you hold the record for the youngest everything ever in the NHL?

Look at all this stuff:
First rookie to record 100 points and 100 penalty minutes in a season
Youngest player to record 100 points in a season
Youngest player to record 200 career points (19 years and 207 days)
Youngest player to record 2 consecutive 100 point seasons
Youngest player voted to the starting lineup in an All-Star Game
Youngest full team captain
Youngest NHL captain to win Stanley Cup (21 years, 10 months, and 5 days)

Those were good times weren’t they Sid? You were a star. And then this happened:

 

You broke your brain. And now you do nothing except skate around on ice without playing hockey, you’re essentially a figure skater. No one really likes you anymore. Now don’t get sad about that Sidney. You have only played like 8 games in the last year. Surely you can see where I’m coming from here. It’s no wonder people are starting to get angry at you and saying you’re a big baby with a broken head. You don’t do anything and you’re supposedly the Captain of your team.

But I don’t think you’re a baby Sid. That’s why I’m writing this letter to you. Because I like you, broken head or not. And since I’m probably the only one who still likes you, I was wondering if I could get a few things.

1. I’d like a million dollars. You’re being paid right now, but let’s be honest Sidney, you’re not doing anything to earn it. You could sacrifice a few mill. If you could just give me 1 million for being your biggest fan, we’ll call it even.

2. I’m also going to need a real penguin. You play for (well, you are a member of) the Pittsburgh Penguins. Surely you’ve got some sort of connection with a penguin breeder. I need a pet. Get me one Sid.

3. You also played in the olympics with Shea Weber. You guys are probably friends, right? Could you introduce us? I’d really like to marry him.

4. If you can’t get Shea Weber, will you marry me?

5. I’d also like an autographed puck

That’s it Sidney. Just those 5 things. I’m the only who still thinks you can play hockey. I haven’t once called you a whiny baby for having a broken brain. (Trust me, people call you whiny a lot, and sometimes you act a little whiny. I’ve seen the YouTube videos, and I still like ya!) I google you only a weekly* basis just to check on your brain progress. So anyway, you can see how supportive I am, during this time of broken braindom.

*daily. I’m out of control

If you could offer me the same support in fulfilling those demands, that would be phenomenal.

If you don’t, I’m going to be mad at you for a little bit. But I’ll probably still like you, dang it! You’re so darn adorable!

Okay, well have a nice day Sidney! Hope your brain/neck/spine gets better soon!

Sincerely,

Amanda, aka Your Biggest (and maybe your only) Fan

The Hunt for the Perfect Man

My biological clock is ticking guys. It just keeps ticking and ticking and ticking. In fact, as I was writing that I lost 15 seconds of biology. And there went another 5. My time is whittling away! I need a man. NOW!

Being adorable and walking around Nashville waiting for a romantic comedy moment is not working for me. No one has chased me down at an airport and proposed to me. I haven’t even looked out my window to see a man singing to me in the pouring rain. I’m going to have to take things into my own hands now. So I’ve decided I should start online dating*. I’ve never made an online dating profile so I used this handy website to help me out. I followed their steps as best I could.

Step 1: Get Away From the Computer
I did not participate appropriately in this step. I hope that doesn’t tamper with my results.

Step 2: Thinking About Who You are and What You Like
I was supposed to write 10 things about myself but I didn’t want to write anything down, so I skipped this step as well. I’m really bad at following directions. I did think about ten things though, so that counts.

Step 3: Fine-Tune Your Personal List
Nope. Didn’t do it.

Step 4: Making Your List into Dating Profile Text
This step you’re supposed to take all your interests and make a rough draft. Here’s what I’ve got:

Hello! My name is Amanda. I am a preschool teacher in the Nashville area. I wipe boogers and try to keep 3 year-olds from killing one another for a living. I also try to teach them basic life skills like the ABC’s and manners. It’s a really exciting field to be a part of. Outside of spending all day with toddlers, I have little free-time. With my free-time I basically just sit on the couch watching hockey and googleing Tim Tebow and Sidney Crosby.

I hope you like neuroses because I have a TON I would love to share with you! First my foods cannot touch on my plate. If they do I won’t eat the part that touched the other food. I’d basically be the best kosher Jew ever. I also can’t stand in front of an elevator door. I don’t want to be the one that gets shot up when an angry man comes into work with a gun you know! My closet is color-coded and arranged by sleeve length. If you mess this up, I will have to put you down. If I get any sort of dirt on my socks I have to change them immediately, and if you touch my feet, well, we’ll have to end things right there.

I have a pet schnauzer, but he’s not really a pet, he’s actually a tiny person trapped in a dog’s body. His name is Wallace T. Schnauzer III and he pretty much runs the place. He’ll probably eat your underpants, but that’s a sign of love and affection. He also attacks anything/anyone that comes near me. But don’t worry! He hasn’t killed anyone…yet (smiley face)

Step 5: What you Bring to a Relationship
This is where I’m supposed to ‘sell’ myself. I tried my hardest:

I’m the most loyal person that has ever existed. (Unless you touch my feet *hee hee giggle giggle*) I’m not very emotionally stable before 10 am and pretty much anything could push me over the edge, but after that I am rock solid! Just like a statue who doesn’t have emotions. I didn’t even cry at Marley and Me. (some might say I’m emotionally numb inside!) And I don’t really enjoy physical contact, but I’m the best darn high-fiver.

I don’t believe in love at first sight, but I believe in love after enough forced time together!

Step 6: Thinking About the Qualities You Want in the Person You Date
I was supposed to write out a list again. Didn’t do it. But I went ahead and skipped to writing the paragraph:

What I’m looking for is a nice, even-tempered man who is brawny, has the jaw of a superhero, and can grow a 5 o’clock shadow on whim. A hockey player would be ideal, preferably a nice Canadian fellow. He must have flowing locks and eyes as blue as the ocean. He doesn’t care if I cocoon myself into all the blankets at night to leave him shivering in the cold. Also he must be willing to sleep on the floor, as Wallace T. Schnauzer sleeps on the other side of my bed. A nice Canadian, who allows me to yell at the TV when watching sports, (and maybe even throw some things if necessary) that’s really all I need! If this Canadian man sounds like you, feel free to contact me!

Have a lovely day!

That’s all there is to it. Now I have myself an online dating profile. It talks about how great I am and outlines exactly what I’m looking for. I personally think I did a really fantastic job. (I should add my incredible humility to my paragraph about what I bring to relationships)

I guess I’ll just post this to all the online dating websites I can find. Surely there’s a nice Canadian hockey player out there who likes neurotic females that don’t enjoy physical contact. I just know he’s out there!

And if this doesn’t get me a man, I give up. I’ll just become a spinster.

Hey Shea Weber! You're Canadian. Let's marry?

*No I haven’t. I’m going to just continue being adorable and hoping for the best.

Amanda Watches Football

I bet you guys have been sitting up at night wondering, ‘What is it like to watch sports with Amanda? I bet it’s incredibly insightful and she always has really intelligent things to say.’

Well you know what guys. It’s true. I do have lots of things to say while watching football. And just because I like you, I’m gonna go ahead and write down some of the more insightful things I say so it’s like you were here with me the whole time.

Ready? Well, then let our football journey commence…NOW:

“LET’S GO PENGUINS! LET’S GO!!” (Ok, so football hadn’t started yet. But the Penguins/Capitals hockey game appeared on the screen when the tv was turned on and who am I to turn off a hockey game?)

“You guys this game’s probably on because these teams are rivals!”

“Too bad Sidney Crosby’s not playing but his brain is broken.”

“That Ovechkin guy is missing a front tooth.”

“Guys! What if this goes into overtime? How can we watch football? NO! You can’t change the channel!”

“AAACK!” (someone almost scored)

“That one looks like a Bash Brother!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!” (the channel got changed to football)

Ok. Now to the Patriots and Ravens:

“Wow. This game almost for real started on time!”

“The Raven’s are wearing purple. What are they? Girls?”

“Chum almost blocked that punt. His last name is Chum. What in the world? Isn’t that what whales eat?”

“Go Patriots! Beat the Ravens, Beat the Ravens. BEAT THE RAVENS!” (I’m basically a really good cheerleader)

“Hey! Fix your shoulder pad guy!”

“That’s the second time they’ve done that those guys. They should stop doing it now.” (in reference to punting)

“You guys. Why aren’t there dancing robots on this channel? That’s stupid”

“Uh oh! Uh oh! Those ones are fighting!”

“RUUUUN!!!”

“Tom Brady. There is no sun. Your eye black is unnecessary. Did Gisele not tell you?”

“Mah ha! Ravens penalty!”

“Stupid Gronkowski!”

“I miss Tim Tebow!”

“Oh. I didn’t see the Patriots score……..WOOOO!!”

“No napping! This is football day!”

“What kind of a name is Flacco? And why’s he got that ridiculous mustache? I hope they lose solely because he looks like a dweeb.”

“Uh oh! Interception. TOM BRADY!! I don’t think those words he just said are appropriate for church.”

“Is Ray Rice related to Jerry Rice?….I SAID, IS RAY RICE RELATED TO JERRY RICE? Wait….First, is Jerry Rice black? Ok…then is Ray Rice related to him? Jerry Rice is a person right? Never mind. I’ll just Wikipedia it. Nope. Not related guys”

“Uh…why’s that guys fanny pack on his bum?”

“I wonder if Flacco and Chum hang out a lot and talk about their stupid names? Probably not though cause they’re on different teams huh?”

“MEH! Tom Brady! Helmet hair! HA!”

“I do a lot of fake field goals to score a touchdown on my iPhone game. I ALWAYS score. They should definitely do that in real life.”

“CBS is America’s most watched network but I don’t watch any shows on…oh I watch that. And that one too.”

“Ooop. You’ve redeemed yourself Gronkowski!”

“UUUMMMM. That guy pulled a helmet off the other guy!”

“YAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! TOM BRADY!!!!!!!!” (I only know quarterbacks. No matter who scores, I cheer for the quarterback)

“I’m a little bit scared of the one’s with tinted….AAH STEVEN TYLER…the ones with tinted face mask shields are creepy.”

“Umm all the people they just listed as being at the pro-bowl are no longer in the playoffs. Maybe they’re NOT that pro guys.”

“I can see that guys BELLY! FIX YOUR JERSEY!”

“He tries to squirt through? What in the world? WHO SAYS THAT? Who’s this announcer?”

“Oh guys. It’s Ray Rice’s birthday. They just said so. I still want him to lose, mainly cause he’s a Raven.”

“Why does Tom Brady have Beiber hair? His wife’s a model. She should definitely fix that you guys.”

*I got stuck in a deep Wikipedia vortex at this point and didn’t get out of it until the second half had already started. I’m really diligent at football you guys*

“Gronkowski is a GIANT. Not a New York Giant. That games later. He’s just really big looking.”

“You guys! I really hope they get into a hockey fight! That would be IMPEKKABLE! See what I did there? Pekka is a hockey player. Hockey fight being impekkable…ha…..ha. Leave me alone….don’t look at me.”

“Patriots carry muskets. Muskets kill ravens. Hello! Survival of the fittest.”

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Just go for it. It’s only one yard! Just run fast you goons!”

“Some guy got an eye injury. Maybe he should wear a visor just like those one guys who look like they’re moms still pick out their clothes for them.”

“Pretty sure that guys ‘GET LOUD’ sign is only facing the field and not the crowd. The players probably won’t get loud. Maybe they will though. But mostly I don’t think they can even see that sign. Why do people take signs to games? That’s a weird tradition. Oh ya…football. Back to that.”

“The Ravens pants look WAY tighter than the Patriots. What is that about?”

“NO. NOT A TOUCHDOWN. NOT A TOUCHDOWN. NOT A TOUCHDOWN. NO!! DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME?? I SAID NOT A TOUCHDOWN. STUPID RAVENS!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT A TOUCHDOWN! YOU’RE ON MY LIST REFEREE!”

“I hate the Ravens.”

“OOOH! RUN TOM BRADY!!”

“AH POOP. Gronkowski is broken!”

“WOOOOOO!!! Tom BRADY!!…………SHUT UP ANNOUNCER! His knee wasn’t down! IT COUNTS. LEAVE IT ALONE YA BUMS! IT’S A TOUCHDOWN!………………AAAAAAH! YOU FLIP-FLOPPER!! STUPID REF.”

“I’m not sure if Tom Brady is flapping his arms for the Angels in the end-zone or because he thinks the crowd is too loud. Either way he looks precious.”

“Oh! He just intercepted that….I think? Ya ya, he did.”

“Pizza? Peyton Manning’s eating pizza on that commercial. I want pizza. You guys want pizza?”

“Wait! The Ravens re-intercepted the ball. That’s stupid. I hate the Ravens.”

“BOO RAVENS! TACKLE THAT GUY…AaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa!!!!!”

“MMMMMMMMWHAT ARE YOU DOING GRONKOWSKI!!” (turns out I yell a lot towards the end of a game)

“NO BRADY! WE DON’T WIN GAMES WITH INCOMPLETE PASSES. ASK TEBOW. I’m sorry that was mean. Sorry Tim Tebow. I didn’t mean it. I still love and support your endeavors. If I ever meet Tim Tebow in real life I’ll have to apologize for that, like right away.”

“THIS GAME IS STUPID. STUPID STUPID RAVENS. STUPID!”

“Hahahaha That stupid Raven tackled himself! GOOD.”

“Icky! No overtime please!”

“TACKLE FLACCO! TACKLE FLACCO! TACKLE FLACCO!!”

“AAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! PATRIOTS WIN! GO TOM BRADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“That Raven who missed that field goal probably is gonna go jump off a bridge now. So that’s kinda sad….but HA. SUPER glad they lost.”

There you have it guys. The most interesting things I said and/or thought in the last 3 1/2 hours while sitting on my couch. If you DVR’d that game go ahead and re-watch it while reading my commentary for the full multimedia experience. That’s what it’s like to watch a football game with Amanda. You can be sad that you’ve never experienced this in real life. Because it IS really pleasant.

Meeting Celebrities With Amanda

Even Kardashians Buy Toilet Paper

Americans love celebrities. Sports stars, movie stars, singers, rodeo stars, NASCAR drivers, pretty much anyone with at least $1 million we LOVE them. They’re pretty much our favorite thing, well besides super-sizing things. We watch the Kardashian’s do absolutely nothing on TV while reading about the newest Bachelor’s heartbreak. We love to see celebrities doing everyday things. Some people even make a living off of photographing these everyday events (On a related note I’m becoming a paparazzi if I don’t get a job in the next month). Even better than seeing them at the grocery store in pictures? Seeing them in real life with your own eyes. People react differently to these experiences. Some sneakily take a photo and tweet it, others blatantly take a photo, while others ask for autographs.

I do none of those.

Lets say I’m walking around in downtown Nashville. I see Olympic gold-medalist Sidney Crosby getting a venti chai latte with soy at the local Starbucks.

Sidney Crosby, not at Starbucks

In a span of about 10 seconds I will have absolutely every one of these thoughts:

“Oh hey! THAT’S OLYMPIC HOCKEY PLAYER SIDNEY CROSBY OVER THERE BY THAT STARBUCKS!!!!! WHAT IN THE WORLD? WHY’S HE OVER THERE! WHAT’S HE DOING! Probably getting coffee I guess!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SIDNEY CROSBY! I NEED TO TELL SOMEONE ABOUT THIS!!”

What I wish happened after this initial frantic thought:

“Hi Sidney Crosby”
“Hi, how’s it going?”
“Pretty good! How are you? It’s too bad about your concussion. You’re really good at hockey. I greatly enjoyed seeing you in the olympics winning gold for your native Canada.”
“Well thanks. What’s your name? I like you”
“Oh. *girly giggle* My name’s Amanda”
“Well Amanda, do you want to have some coffee with me and possibly get married?”
“Of course Sidney Crosby!” 

What really happens:

“hey hey hey hey hey hey…..looook!!!!!!! loook! Sidney Crosby! Sidney Crosby. loooook!”  (all  said while whispering and hitting the closest person to me on the arm)
“Who?”
“Sidney Crosby!!”
“I don’t know who that is.”
“Are you kidding me! He played for Canada in the oly…..AH HE’S LEAVING!! DANG IT!! You distracted me! Now I’ll never get to meet and/or marry Sidney Crosby.”
“You realize you would never have said anything to him anyway right?”
“Yes….”

Then I spend the rest of the day dejected, compiling copious scenarios of how I should have handled myself and how next time I will speak to Sidney Crosby, knowing full well the exact same thing will happen EVERY TIME.

Obviously, if you’re looking for a really calm, cool, collected person to go celebrity spotting with I’m the best option….that is if you enjoy having a bruised shoulder and absolutely no proof you saw Johnny Depp at the local bakery.