Taylor Swift, Why Don’t Your Songs Make Sense?

Hi there Taylor Swift!

Can I call you T. Swift? (It doesn’t matter what your response is. I’m going to do it anyway) How is it going? Just living the dream huh? Singing your country* music and traveling the world I’m sure.

You are very popular here in Nashville. I mean, REALLY popular. Every time I turn on the radio, there you are. Sitting in a restaurant you’re there. Walking through Walmart, T. Swift flowing through the air. You are everywhere. I might even say you are haunting me. Even when I don’t hear you on the radio, I hear you in my head.

DARN YOU AND YOUR CATCHY LITTLE TUNES! These songs go with me everywhere, but you know what? They don’t make sense. Any of them. Are you aware of this fact? I know you probably didn’t write them and you just sing them, but these songs have virtually no point to them. Most recently I’ve had your darling little song, “Ours” stuck in my head. And you know what, that one makes the least sense of all of them.

Allow me to expand on this thought. These are the lyrics to your song. I will explain line by line why this does not make sense. Are you ready? Good! Here goes!

“Elevator buttons in morning air [What? Elevator buttons in the air, or on an elevator? This song is already starting out a little weird]
Strangers’ silence makes me want to take the stairs [What do you want the strangers to do T. Swift? Ask you obnoxious questions? Do you really want that? I don’t think you do.]
If you were here we’d laugh about their vacant stares [That seems like a really rude thing for you to do. Why would you do that? Maybe you wouldn’t have as many haters if you didn’t laugh at strangers all the time]
But right now my time is theirs [What does that even mean? They’re strangers. Why is your time theirs? I’m confused T. Swift]

Seems like there’s always someone who disapproves
They’ll judge it like they know about me and you [Wait. Are the disapproving people the ones on the elevator? Or are these just people in general? You need to be more specific]
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do [What verdict? Are we still on an elevator? When did we move to a courtroom?]
The jury’s out, my choice is you [The jury decided your choice for you? I thought you didn’t like people judging you? The jury decided your choice was him? I don’t understand you]

So don’t you worry your pretty little mind [That’s a really weird way to describe someones mind]
People throw rocks at things that shine [NO. They don’t. People don’t throw rocks as a general rule. Do you even live in the real world with the rest of us? I never see people throwing rocks at shiny things. And what does this have to do with the jury of people who were in the elevator with vacant stares? This song is all over the place]
And life makes love look hard [Does it? I’m not sure you know what you’re saying]
The stakes are high, the water’s rough [‘Stakes are high’ sounds like a poker analogy, but ‘water’s rough’ seems like a boat analogy. Are you playing poker on a boat?]
But this love is ours [Okay, ya this makes sense. Good job on this one] 

You never know what people have up their sleeves [Usually arms. And magicians sometimes keep playing cards up there]
Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me [Are these real ghosts? Or ghosts like bad decisions? If he has ghosts from his past why are you so obsessed with him. You seem to make bad choices in your love life. I mean you dated that werewolf that had the same name as you for a while. That was kind of weird]
Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles [What? The ghost wear lip gloss? Wait…are these ghosts his former lovers? I think I”m catching what your throwing out now T. Swift!]
But I don’t care ’cause right now you’re mine [You can’t own people! Slavery was outlawed. Ever heard of the emancipation proclamation? LOOK IT UP WEIRDO]

And you’ll say
Don’t you worry your pretty little mind [So now your mind is pretty? You guys are a bunch of weirdos]
People throw rocks at things that shine [NO. THEY DON’T]
And life makes love look hard [I still don’t think I agree with you here]
The stakes are high, the water’s rough [Still on that boat ‘eh?]
But this love is ours [Alright. I won’t take your love away]

And it’s not theirs to speculate [What’s not theirs? And who are they? Why are your songs so nondescript?]
If it’s wrong and [Oh. Okay. If your love is wrong is what’s not theirs to speculate. GOT IT!]
Your hands are tough [Get him some hand lotion. Problem solved]
But they are where mine belong and [Where your what belongs? Your hands? Weird] I’ll fight that doubt and give you faith
With this song for you [OOOHHHHH…..the song makes you feel better about your relationship. That makes so much more sense. (no it doesn’t)]

‘Cause I love the gap between your teeth [Michael Strahan?]
And I love the riddles that you speak [Jim Carrey as the Riddler? You are not describing this boy as very appealing]
And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored [The remarks might be necessary if the guy only speaks in riddles. That’s a weird thing to do]
‘Cause my heart is yours [Literally? Good to know you’re an organ donor]

So don’t you worry your pretty little mind [Weird]
People throw rocks at things that shine [Nope]
And life makes love look hard [It does not]
Don’t you worry your pretty little mind [You just said this]
People throw rocks at things that shine [Stop repeating yourself. They don’t do this!] But they can’t take what’s ours [This is true. That would be a felony]
They can’t take what’s ours [I said I agree. Why did you say it again?]

The stakes are high, the water’s rough [Poker on a boat is you guys’ thing huh?]
But this love is ours [That’s nice]”

[Wait. That’s how the song ends? Did you marry the boy with the tooth gap and tattoos? And what was the shiny thing people were throwing rocks at? What were the stakes? Did the water every calm down? DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING HERE TAYLOR!! There is absolutely no closure here. Why are you this way? Ugh.]

And why is your guitar so freaking sparkly/shiny? I hope no one throws rocks at it.

See T. Swift? See? That song had no ending. I don’t know if the people throwing rocks broke the shiny thing. I don’t know if you and the riddler ended up together. I don’t know anything. All you really did was open up more mystery and questions for me. I dont’ like that. I like songs with distinct happy endings. Or even sad endings. As long as there is an ending I’m good. But your songs don’t have endings. And I am not okay with this. Work on that T. Swift. Give your songs closure and then maybe when they’re stuck in my head I won’t feel as if I would rather stab a q-tip into my ear than hear the song again. That’s what we all want anyway. For me to be happy.

*I’m not entirely sure why your music is considered country, other than all you sing about is love and heartbreak