Are You Kidding Me? Volume 2

I did it again. I was reading yahoo, I should stop doing that because every time I do I’m left shaking my head in confusion. But, since I’m incapable of learning my lesson it brings me to another edition of “Are you kidding me?”

This story takes place in the magical land of Canada. The land known for mounted police and the classic John Candy film, Canadian Bacon. Now, thankfully, Canada can also be known as the land where 40 year old hockey coaches get arrested after tripping 13 year old hockey players.

This delightful incident occurred at the end of a youth league hockey game. Apparently the ‘unnamed’ coach’s team lost. Mr. Unnamed was upset at the fact that his team lost. Therefore he did the most logical thing a grown man can do in the situation. He tripped a preteen during the handshake line. But don’t think he did this without proper reasoning. No, no, he had logic behind his actions.

You see, the game was supposed to be two teams of 10-12 year old boys. And as it turns out, sometimes 10-12 year old boys have birthdays. And when they have birthdays they become 11-13 year old boys. This boy was 13. So, I guess that makes sense. He turned 13 after the season started, so he should have been immediately kicked off the team and not allowed to play. And since he was still allowed to play, he needed to be tripped. I can totally understand where this coach is coming from. Obviously that one boy was the only reason their team lost. So, you know, he must be punished and the best mature way to go about that would be to stick a foot out and cause him to hit the ground. Now he will know never to be 13 years old again. Problem solved!

So I guess that’s cool that youth league coaches are super mature and not jerks at all. I can only hope that someday my children can be coached by a gem, such as this man. And if not, well I guess I’ll trip them myself.

 

So here’s to you, Unnamed Coach:

You, sir, are a grade A nimrod. And that entire team (including that pesky 13 year old) should be allowed to shoot slap shots at you until you become a logical adult, which by my estimation will take a long, long time.

That is all. Have a lovely day.

 

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“Hockey Fights Are Good For Your Health”, Declared The Amanda

I’ve been watching a lot of hockey recently. Shocking, I know. But, you know what, it’s the playoffs, so get off my back. Everyone is watching hockey right now. I’m not crazy, okay? So now that we’ve got that awkward incident behind us, let’s get to the real juicy stuff…hockey fights are great.


I’m not really a violent person, but I really like it when there are fights in hockey. Everyone does. Even non-hockey fans. These altercations are kind of a big deal. They often start because of simple inconveniences like, “Hey, I want to skate over there, but that guy is in my way! I’ll just slam him into the wall! There. DONE!” Then the person who got slammed into the wall retaliates and slams the original ‘slammer’ into another wall. Sticks hit the ice, the gloves come off, and voila, good old-fashioned fisticuffs are had. Each party goes to their specified timeout box* and 5 minutes later they emerge and the air is clear. No longer are they angry about being pushed into a wall. They’ve completely forgotten about that irritating little incident that led to their fight and they just get back to playing hockey. That is, until they get shoved into a wall again, then the whole process starts again, but let’s just pretend that doesn’t happen, okay? Thanks.

It is no secret that I hate people. They are the worst. Sometimes I just want to punch them. So I started thinking, maybe I wouldn’t hate people as much if I could hockey fight them when they annoy me. It seems to work for hockey players. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Instead of getting irritated and allowing the anger and rage to eat away at my soul, I’m going to do the healthy thing:

I’m going shove people into walls and then punch them in the face repeatedly.

It’s a brilliant plan. If someone nearly runs me down with a shopping cart in Walmart. I’ll just shove them into the boxes of Moon Pies. They’ll push me into the Tastykakes. I drop my shampoo right there and we have it out. 30 seconds later, we’re done. We both head off in our separate directions never to speak of it again.

If I’m driving to work, and the person behind me thinks I’m driving too slow and is therefore tailgating me, I’ll just slam on my brakes and jump out of my car. Fisticuffs will happen. Then we’ll get in our respective cars. I go on to work, granted I have a bloody nose, but a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I no longer hate the tailgater.

Logical right? and I’m almost sure that I won’t get in legal trouble for this. Especially if I explain to law enforcement that I’m simply implementing hockey fight rules into every day life. They’ll totally understand. Definitely…maybe….probably not, but it’s worth a shot. No one ever got anywhere by not trying right?

And hey, if physical violence isn’t your thing, go D2: The Mighty Ducks style and just pull their shirt up over their head, rendering them momentarily blind. It’ll make you feel better and make them look a fool.

*Some might call these penalty boxes. Those people are not Amanda.

Baseball: Reemerging America’s Pastime

I love baseball. I do. We all love it. Why wouldn’t we? It’s America’s pastime.  Unfortunately the start of baseball season has been eclipsed by the Stanley Cup playoffs this year for me. This is just terrible. I need to apologize to baseball for that. And as I tried to formulate how I would go about apologizing to an inanimate object, I started wondering, why is baseball America’s pastime?

And since I know every single one of you are wondering the same thing, I took the liberty to do the research for all of us…you’re welcome guys. And wouldn’t you know it, wikipedia had the answer right there for me. (I only use wikipedia for my research. I’d be a terrible investigative reporter.)

As it turns out baseball was originated from a very popular game in Great Britain and Ireland called “Rounders“, which, get this, has exactly the same rules as baseball. I know, I was surprised as well. But then I was a little confused as to how this tidbit of information answered my question about why baseball was America’s pastime, but stick with me here, wikipedia clarified it for me.

Turns out in the 19th and 20th centuries (apparently I’m not very well educated because I had to double check what years that would have been. It was the 1800-1900’s. I had terrible schooling) baseball aka “the sport formerly known as rounders”, was the most widely played sport in the country. So as far as I can tell the Brits and Irishmen came over to the good ol’ US of A and taught everyone the game. And it was pretty much the only game they knew how to play. According to my good pal, wikipedia, it says baseball was as popular then as video games and tv are today. Baseball was the way they, dare I say it, passed time. And because all Americans had for fun was playing and watching baseball that’s what they did.

They all shared the common bond of baseball, it united all humans. They talked about it while plowing the fields, waiting for the bus, after school, before school, while eating dinner, at the grocery store, buying new shoes, eating Chinese food, pretty much during any activity, the discussion was centered on baseball

And then wikipedia went on to be depressing and told me that there really is no national pastime anymore. Apparently America is just to ‘splintered’, whatever that means. Stupid internet age.

With my best college thinking skills I came to the conclusion that America needs to revive baseball as its pastime. The world is too sad without it. We need to discuss it at the water coolers and bus stops again. (Also maybe I should start hanging out at water coolers. Turns out a lot of conversations happen at those)

In my attempt to make baseball America’s pastime again I’ve come up with a handy list of conversation starters. If we all use this list then we’ll all be talking about baseball and then we’ll all be centering our lives on it again, thus, pastime. So ya, this plan is basically flawless.

  • So how ’bout those Yankees? They have really high payroll! And terrible fan base!
  • Hey, do you know how many stitches there are in an MLB regulation baseball? Me neither! Let’s count them together!
  • So…the allstar game is in Kansas City this year. There’ll probably be cows and stuff in the outfield, cause you know, Midwest.
  • Do you find the Cleveland Indians mascot to be slightly racist?
  • Guess who my favorite player is! And no, I won’t give you any hints! (This is a great one if you want your conversation to last hours, there are a lot of baseball players in the world)
  • So RBI’s. Runs batted ins? ha. They should just call it RBI. Ha!
  • What kind of wood do you prefer for your baseball bat to be made of?
  • You ever seen The Sandlot? That Squints! He’s a riot!
  • Would you rather take a 100 mph fastball to the thigh or the back?
  • Want to race around the bases? (This one only works if you are someone who just hangs out on baseball fields or an actual baseball player.)
  • Who’s your favorite baseball mascot? That green Phillies thing?
  • Would you rather lick the pitchers rosin bag, or run full speed into the Green Monster in Boston?
  • Who’s your least favorite Yankee: Jeter or A-Rod?

It’s pretty simple guys. Anytime there’s an awkward silence, just blurt out one of those things up there. And soon enough everyone will be talking about baseball again.

Bingo! Bango! Bongo! America’s pastime.

You’re welcome America.

The Madness of March

Well here we are. The month of March. Spring is just around the corner. Soon flowers will be emerging from the earth, tiny little birds will be hatching out of their eggs. And people all over the United States of America will be shouting at their TV.
That’s right. March Madness is almost here. Which means it’s time again for Amanda to jump on the NCAA Men’s Basketball bandwagon. I haven’t watched a single game all the way through all season and yet I will fill out a bracket. And I will do it in no logical manner whatsoever.

Pick the team with the higher seeding? Nah!
Pick the team with the best winning records? No thanks.
Have loyalties to the teams I pick? I don’t think so!
Does the college have a funny names? YES PLEASE!
Do they have a hilarious mascot? YUP!
Are they Gonzaga? UM ya they’ll be the National Champions!

Yearly I just hop right on the Gonzaga bandwagon. Why? I don’t know. Probably because #1: Gonzaga is hilarious sounding, #2: They have a bulldog as a mascot. Bulldogs are great. And #3 I like to root for the underdog. So ya. I want Gonzaga to win it all. So what? Maybe I’ve just gone ahead and completely lost it. I’m okay with this. I tell you what though. One year Gonzaga will win it all. And then I will be the richest person ever. I will win all the bracket contests I enter, which is roughly 1 billion.

So here it is guys. Amanda’s 2012 NCAA Tournament bracket:

As you can see, I’ve got Gonzaga going all the way, as per the usual. But you know what? This is their year. I feel it in my bones. I have no knowledge about their current skill level at basketball, but they’ll take it. They will be the 2012 national champions.

And when they are, I will fly all the way to Washington state to be in their victory parade. I will make a sign proclaiming myself their #1 fan. Isn’t this what everyone wants anyway? For me to be the real winner?


[Editors note: I just realized I left the winner of the Ohio St. / Loyola game blank. My bad. Obviously it doesn’t really matter because Gonzaga will beat the winner of that one anyway, but I choose Ohio St…cause I ain’t no dummy]