Amanda’s Guide to Playoff Hockey

I talk about hockey a lot, it’s kind of my thing. But let’s be real, I don’t have a lot going for me right now, so pretty much the NHL Playoffs are all I have. It’s cool though guys. Don’t worry about me. I’m not a sad sack or anything.*

But it also occurs to me that most people do not care nearly as much as I do. But I’d like everyone to because then I wouldn’t be alone in my excitement. So in an effort to bring all of you over to my side I’ve prepared this handy guide to the NHL playoffs. Just follow along and you’ll go far.

Amanda’s Simple Guide to the Stanley Cup Playoffs

You are allowed allegiance to one Western conference team and one Eastern conference team. Example: Amanda’s Western Conference Team: Nashville Predators. Amanda’s Eastern Conference Team: Pittsburgh Penguins

It is perfectly okay for all productive activities in your life to cease during the playoffs. The NHL wants you watch all the games. That’s why the show them all on tv. You don’t even have to feel like a slug for never leaving your couch. It’s totally cool.

If the hockey gods are against you and your chosen teams gets knocked out of the playoffs you are allowed to choose a replacement to fill the void. Example: Amanda’s Western conference second choice: Phoenix Coyotes. Eastern conference: Florida Panthers. Although I do not plan on needing to utilize my second choices.

If you enjoy a player on an opposing team you are not allowed to verbally admit it. Example: Claude Giroux is really great and has a red beard, but he plays for the Flyers. I cannot admit I like him because I want the Penguins to win, therefore Claude is the enemy.

While playoff beards can occasionally become disgusting we are not allowed to complain about them. They provide some sort of magical powers. Example: Kevin Klein. Dude had exactly 4 goals in 66 regular season games. He now has 2 goals in 5 playoff games. Fluke? No. Playoff beard power? Absolutely.

That’s some serious beard power

If you go to the bathroom while the puck is in play, someone will score. This is a fact proven by me. So don’t go to the bathroom, unless you like missing out on game changing moments.

It’s perfectly natural to jump around and celebrate a game winning shot even if you are alone in your living room with only a dog. Not that I’ve ever done this. That would be super weird.**

Despite the fact that Sidney Crosby‘s lips look plump enough to use as a pillow for sleeping, don’t say it out loud. Especially around males. They will think you are crazy. Again, I’ve never done this.***

Seriously, those things are plump

If you spend your hard-earned cash on playoff tickets, your team will lose that game. So that sucks, but you’ll probably still spend your money anyway just for a chance at a taste of that playoff atmosphere.

Goaltenders are weird. They just are. Don’t blame losses on them. They will take it super personally and proceed to lose 3 games in a row. Example: Marc Andre-Fleury‘s super choke at the beginning of the playoffs.

Do not NOT wear your lucky socks. You cannot afford taking a chance with the hockey gods at this point in the season. Your socks may be the only thing allowing your team to win. You don’t want to have to shoulder the blame of a loss just because you were too arrogant to wear your lucky turkey socks.

It’s absolutely okay to slam Henrik Zetterberg’s head into glass if you are Shea Weber. You will not get suspended. Totally cool. I’m a Shea Weber fan, but the guy should not have done this. Hockey gods were on his side obviously.

And finally, you can totally cry when your team doesn’t win the Stanley Cup. I won’t even make fun of you.

Editors Note: The Penguins are out. Let’s go Panthers! (Mostly just this guy. Gotta love Ol’ No-Chin Smithson)

Jerred Smithson

*Ya, I am.
**Guys I’ve done this. Several times.
***I absolutely have.

You’re Killin’ Me NBC

To NBC, aka the National Broadcasting Company,

It’s springtime. The birds are chirping, flowers are sprouting from the ground, I can put ice in my coffee. It’s a glorious time of year. I, unfortunately, have not participated in any of these delightful things spring brings about because I have not left my couch in 7 days.

Why is this, you ask. Well, because the Stanley Cup playoffs have begun. You’ve been preparing me for this with all of your “Because it’s the Cup” commercials that have been playing for months. Every time I see one I get real pumped up to play in that championship game.

Side note: This one especially makes me super pumped

End of side note.

Shortly after getting prepared to defeat the Detroit Red Wings I remember I’m not actually an NHL player and I calm myself back down. But none the less, I’ve been anxiously awaiting this time of the year.

I’d like to congratulate you on being able to show every single game, every single night on your different affiliates such as NBC, CNBC and NBC Sports. That is quite the feat. Luckily you have like 9 million different channels so it’s not really that hard for you. The difficult part of this comes when you are me.

You see, I’d like to watch all of the games. But when you have, for example, the Predators – Red Wings game on CNBC at the same time as the Flyers – Penguins game on NBC Sports, you leave me a decision as difficult as Sophie’s choice.

I can either:

A: Flip back and forth between the two games watching both at the same time.
But this leads to confusion. I start on NBC Sports and see Sidney Crosby of the Pittsburgh Penguins, take a shot. I flip back to CNBC and see Pekka Rinne make a spectacular save (or s-pekk-tacular, if you want to be cute). I think to myself, “Crap. Sid didn’t score. But wait? Why is Pekka playing for the Flyers?” I’ve confused myself and both games are now one game in my head. This will never work.

B: Watch one game live while recording the other to watch later.
This requires me to choose one game to put myself on a media blackout for. But when I’m watching your coverage of one game you are super diligent on notifying me of the score of other games happening at the same time. Also I cannot be trusted to be on a media blackout. I check twitter far too often to not know what’s happening. So unless you guys stop updating me on scores, this plan will also never work.

C: Pay for tickets for the Predators playoff games, thus making the decision unnecessary.
Obviously I’m not going to sit at home and watch 5 games on tv if I have tickets to see one live. I’m going to that game and I’ll just check the other scores during intermissions. Unfortunately, I’m not a multimillionaire. I cannot afford playoff tickets past the first round. So this also will not work.

D: Develop ulcers trying to figure out which game to watch.
This seems to be the most likely scenario. I can feel them forming even now.

Do you see what you are doing to me? I know it’s super cool that you can show all the games and what not, but you are going to cause me to lose years off my life. I have a serious problem in that I want to watch all the games and I cannot physically do it. It’s not possible. You guys are ruining my life. You’re making me choose between Shea Weber and Sidney Crosby. That’s like choosing which adorable puppy I want to kick in the face. I just can’t do it.

So I’ve got an idea:

First I need you to stagger the game times. Start them at 8 am if you must, just make it where none of the games are on at the same time. That way I can watch every single one of them in their entirety.

Second, you need to talk to Barack (Obama, that is, not Nashville’s weather man Barak Shapiro) and find a way to make the months of April, May and June national holidays. That way I don’t have to work all during those months. I can remain stagnant on the couch shouting at my tv with no repercussions for my actions. then I never have to choose between games ever again. I would be the hap-hap-happiest girl in the world!

It’s going to take a little bit of effort, but I think if we both work really hard we can make this happen.

So you just let me know when you’re ready to put this plan into action and I’ll be ready, okay?