Where In The World Is Patrik Elias?

Those of you who aren’t as enamored with hockey as I am may not be aware, but for the past few weeks the world of hockey has been the scene of an unsolved crime.

On June 11, 2012 the Los Angeles Kings overcame a 44 year drought to become first time Stanley Cup Champions. I don’t know if you’ve ever attempted to win a Stanley Cup, but I think it’s pretty difficult. I’ve been trying on my Wii, but they’re not even real people and I still can’t do it. So It’s pretty big deal when your team wins the Stanley Cup. There are parades, champagne showers, lots of cheering, and sometimes an occasional f-bomb in a victory speech. And one thing that’s a tradition, really in any sport, is to keep the game winning puck (or ball in all those other sports) and display it somewhere, where everyone can see it and say, “Hey look! There’s the puck that the Los Angeles Kings used to beat the New Jersey Devils in the Stanley Cup Final. Super neat-o!!” But something terrible happened with this puck. The game winning puck disappeared.

The last anyone knew of the puck was that New Jersey Devil’s left winger Patrik Elias flipped it up into his glove after the final horn of the game. Then Elias proceed to exit the ice and give his stick to a random fellow in the crowd. He disappeared into the locker room for a few unaccounted for minutes then returned to the ice to shake hands with his opponents, at this point in the evening Elias was puck-less.

Now why would Patrik Elias want this puck? Did he want it to display the puck that was used to beat his team? Did he want to hurt the Kings by not allowing them to have it? Was he going to sell it on ebay for millions of czech koruna? No one really knows. All we really know is that the puck disappeared for 2 weeks and 4 days. And then it was found hidden, deep inside Elias duffel bag. Patrik is trying to take the pressure off of himself saying he didn’t know he had it and what not, and he tried to make it better by sending it to the Kings. But no, he is full of lies. He knew exactly where that puck was for those unaccounted days. Why would the puck be in his duffel bag if he hadn’t been traveling the world with Pucky, as I call him? So I did a little digging and you’ll never believe what I found.

As it turns out Patrik Elias fled the country after their loss with puck in hand. He took ol’ Pucky here on a bit of a world-wide excursion.

First they headed to Italy and did a classic “holding up the leaning tower” pose.

Next they jetted over to Paris to visit the Eiffel Tower.

The last leg of the European tour was a trip to Patrik’s home country of Czechoslovakia.

Oh, now this is just cruel. A comically large Stanley Cup champion puck on the Hollywood sign. C’mon Elias, rub it in a little more that you have their puck why don’t you.

Apparently in his world travels he even made a trip with the puck to my own city of Nashville and was hanging out on Broadway. What the heck? How did I not know?

And finally, Patrick and Pucky took a trip to the shore with, well, you know, the Jersey Shore crew. Look how precious Pucky is nestled gingerly in Snooki’s poof like that.

Sure it’s a little weird that he did all these things and then sent the puck back to the Kings, but who am I to judge? Maybe he just wanted a little taste of the victory as well. And when you’re Patrik Elias that means you spend a few special days with a champion hockey puck. I hope you had fun Elias, I hope you did! I’m just glad that Pucky is finally back with his rightful owners.

You Mean New Jersey’s Mascot ISN’T Beelzebub?

The NHL playoffs are almost over. A group of 16 has been narrowed down to a mere 2 teams; the Los Angeles Kings and the New Jersey Devils.

No one could have predicted such an anomaly occurring. What happened to the Penguins / Predators final? Well, they both choked. (which by the way, has led me into a deep, dark, depression, full of catching up on Glee and playing games of NBA Jam. Come back to me Preds!!) And that is why America is left to choose between a team from a land full of celebrities or a team from a land where tan guidos freely roam the streets. Kind of a lose-lose situation if you ask me.

So you’re probably debating on which bandwagon you are going to jump on for the Stanley Cup Finals, right? No? Just me? Oh well. I’m going to continue anyway.

Both teams have their perks but also their…not-perks (what the heck would that word be?)

New Jersey Devils

  • Contrary to popular belief the people of New Jersey do not support Satan. Instead they support the mythical Jersey Devil that resembles a moose with wings. Pro? Maybe?
  • Snooki. Con.
  • Puddy is on their side. Pro, classic Seinfeld episode.
  • Used to be the Kansas City Scouts. Pro, everything from Kansas is great.
  • Only team bold enough to actually declare themselves a part of New Jersey. Con. Why would they want to admit that?
  • Zach ParisePro. Guy is a beaut!

  • 3 Stanley Cups Pro, for experience. Con, because I like underdogs.
  • Not the Nashville Predators. Con. 

Los Angeles Kings
  • Wayne GretzkyPro. DUH. Dude’s a legend.
  • Dustin Brown. Con, kinda looks like a weasel.
  • Anze Kopitar. Pro, makes up for weasel-faced Brown
  • Lion mascot. Con, not real creative for a team in a land full of struggling actors and writers.
  • They chirp super hard on twitter. Pro. HILARIOUS. Check it out: @LAKings
  • Gave tickets to Rainn Wilson in a jello mold. Pro, also hilarious.
  • 8 seed that has won 12 out of the 14 games they’ve played. Pro. Has the makings of a great Disney movie.
  • 0 Stanley Cups. Pro, underdogs
  • Also not the Nashville Predators. Con

So there you go. An exhaustive list* of the best and worst qualities of each team. Do with it what you will.
As for me, well, I like movies where teams overcome adversity and win championships so ya, I’m going with the Kings. Plus I seriously enjoy their twitter.

 *not even close.

This Is Why I Can’t Have Nice Things

An open letter to the Nashville Predators:

You had such a great season. If there was ever a year that your team could win a Stanley Cup, this was the year. Your team was strong, you were feisty, you had it all. Your GM, David Poile even went out and added a few more pieces to your offense to make your team just that much stronger for cup contention. But little did Poile know, it was all in vain…

Because I was on your side.

Ya…I’d give me that look too Rads.

I should have seen this coming. I’m not allowed to have nice things. I’ve never been on the side of a sports team who was good at what they do. I should have known it was too good to be true when you guys had a winning record and I was rooting for you.

You see, I grew up in Kansas City. I’ve been a Kansas City Royals fan since I can remember. (Sure when I was little tike, I only enjoyed games for the hot dogs, but as time went on, I became a fan for the baseball aspect rather than the tubular meats thing) I don’t know if you know this, but the Royals are terrible. For example, I was born in 1989. Since that year the Royals have registered 0 World Series titles/appearances, 0 Central Division titles, and have been wild cards a grand total of…0 times. I know it seems crazy for me to say that this is my fault, but it is. Hang with me here.

Now initially, I thought my curse was solely based on my direct proximity to the team. I went ahead and proclaimed that this would be the Royals year since I no longer live in Kansas. I even went as far as to say that the Atlanta Braves would just be terrible because of my very presence in the South. And guess what happened. The Braves are great and the Royals, well, they are still terrible. It turns out it has nothing to do with my physical presence. The Royals have won a grand total of 9 games out of the 28 they have played. I don’t know if you guys can do math, but that’s a horrible winning percentage. Apparently, if my heart is for a team they’ll suck. I even thought that maybe if I claimed allegiance to the Braves it would help, but my Braves allegiance wasn’t sincere. My mouth said Braves, but my heart still says Royals. And that’s why the Royals cannot possible succeed until I completely cut my ties from them. I bring bad luck.

I don’t know why I posses this terrible ability, but I do. Every time I voice my opinion on what team I want to proceed to the next round, they’re out. The Panthers, Penguins, Blackhawks and now you guys. I wanted wins from each of these teams, and now they’re out. All of them. If I even think a positive thought about a team, they lose.

And I’m afraid I have brought this same curse to you. I thought maybe the curse didn’t cross over to hockey since you made it out of the first round verse the Red Wings. But no. The day I shelled out the cash for a Craig Smith jersey a dark cloud fell over the Bridgestone Arena, you guys were doomed from that moment. I claimed allegiance to you, and for that I am sorry. You will never, ever win a Stanley Cup no matter how much you, me, and everyone in Nashville wants it. I ruin teams. I apparently carry bad sports karma with me wherever I go. The hockey gods hate me. And for that I am sorry. Because of me, you are cursed to never win Lord Stanley’s Cup. I could pretend to not like you anymore so maybe you’d have a chance at winning, but we all know that wouldn’t work. As long as my heart still says Preds, you will not succeed.

I completely understand if you want to murder me. I would if I were you. But who knows, maybe next year is your year*

I guess for now I’ll just refocus my energy elsewhere. I’m kind of hoping the Capitals make it to the end, so they’ll probably lose tomorrow night.

Until next year,
Amanda aka, A Sports Teams Worst Nightmare.

PS. When all of your Unrestricted Free Agents leave this summer, that one’s on me too. Again, so sorry.

PPS. I was rooting for the Flyers tonight. Guess what happened. Yep. They’re done for the season, headed out to the links for a game of golf tomorrow. Aaaand, it’s all my fault.

PPPS. Yep. I took out the Capitals too. Just as I expected.

*Since I just said that, it definitely won’t be.

A Day With the Stanley Cup? Yes Please!

Recently my dear brother informed me via twitter of the best contest that has ever existed in the history of ever. It’s a contest for the ultimate hockey fan, which not to brag, is me.

I can win a day with THE Stanley Cup. Ever heard of it? Big shiny silver cup? Looks kinda like this (actually it looks exactly like this, being that this is a photo of it):
Hockey players drink booze out of it? Ringing any bells? So if I win this contest I can invite 25 of my closest friends to take photos with the cup o’ Stanley. We can look at it, we can touch it and we can just basically have an all around good time with the cup. (We CANNOT put food or beverage in it however. The rules very clearly state this fact) And just to top of the joy of a day spent with Stanley, I will get two tickets to the Stanley Cup final game. As in the game where they drink all the booze out of the cup with which I have just spent the day with. So ya I kind of want to win this prize.

All I have to do is submit an essay explaining why I deserve a day with ol’ Stanley and a photo depicting my passion for the sport of hockey. What better place to try out my rough draft than right here on the good ol’ WWW. The world-wide web. Let me know what you guys think. This is the best essay that I have ever written in my entire life. And I wrote a lot of essays in my 4 years of college.

Why Amanda Deserves a Day with the Stanley Cup

I really like hockey. No scratch that. I really LOVE hockey.
I didn’t realize how much I loved hockey until I moved to Nashville in August. I attended the first home game of the Nashville Predators and since that initial game I have spent nearly a billion dollars on hockey. Essentially I became obsessed with the sport of hockey. I was a girl who never really followed sports much and now I have become a terror to those around me. I have random hockey trivia for every situation. I follow the standings religiously. I taunt the other teams when they come into our arena. I even spent a small fortune on a jersey when I was unemployed (granted this was not a wise decision but we’re cool now. I have a job again) I’ve spent another small fortune on the lottery known as mystery pucks, hoping for a Tootoo or a Weber, and you know what? I’ve gotten both. Because I am the ultimate hockey fan and have the hockey gods on my side. If I didn’t truly love hockey the hockey gods would never even come near me. So anyway, for the ultimate hockey fan like myself, a chance to see, feel, smell, and maybe even taste the Stanley Cup is a dream come true. If I could feel that shiny guy I would be the happiest person that has ever existed.

I will never have the talent or ability to win a Stanley Cup myself
I have zero balance. Ask my wii fit. It tells me all the time that I have the worst balance ever. There’s no possible way I can ever be good at ice skating without good balance. And if I can’t ice skate I’ll never be able to play hockey and if I can’t play hockey I’ll never be on an NHL team and if I never get to play on an NHL team I’ll never win the Stanley Cup. (Also I’m a girl. That’s the other reason why I’ll never be able to play in the NHL) So winning this contest would be my only opportunity to touch the Stanley Cup (this may not be an actual fact, but you can’t prove otherwise). If I don’t ever get to spend a day with the Stanley Cup I don’t know if my life is worth living. I’ll never be able to cross “touch the Stanley Cup” off my bucket list. Then I will die unhappily. But seriously, I need to spend a day with that thing. Sidney Crosby’s giant lips have touched it. If my regular sized lips touch it also, it will be like I kissed Sid, right on the lips. And ya, I want that in my life.

I’m a broke college graduate
I recently graduated college. Thus I have no money in my life. And the money I do have is being used to pay for the education that I am not currently utilizing. And my degree is in ministry. I will never ever make enough money to attend the Stanley Cup final game. NEVER. (unless my marriage proposal to Shea Weber works out, but I’m not holding my breath on that one) If I win this contest this would be the only time in my life I would be able to attend this game. Because I’m poor. I can’t afford tickets. I just can’t. And that’s why I need you to pick my essay and photo as the best EVER and allow me the opportunity to see the Stanley Cup live and in person. And then see the Stanley Cup final game live and in person as well. It would only be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

So in conclusion, I’m poor, have no balance and love hockey. And that is why I should be given the opportunity to spend a day with Stanley. And I promise not to put any food or drink inside of it because I’m a rule follower. I might sniff it though. That wouldn’t be weird would it? Oh well. Anyway, I deserve a day with the Stanley Cup because I am the ultimate hockey fan!

If this isn’t hockey passion, I have no idea what is.

That should just about do it. I’m almost positive that I will win with that essay and that fantastic photo! I’ll let you guys know when I win, and maybe 25 of you guys can also touch the Stanley Cup! Wouldn’t that be the best?