Weirdos Should Not Be Allowed Access To The Internet

{Before I begin. I’ve started writing here. It’s a blog all about Nashville Predators hockey. All the time. So in short, what I’m saying is, most of my hockey obnoxiousness will be spewed there instead of here. Aren’t you happy? Unless you enjoyed that stuff. Then I guess click that link, and enjoy. And now onto the regularly scheduled program.}

I write about weird things. I’m not going to deny this. I’ve written posts ranging from an accusation of Fred Phelps being Michael Phelps estranged father, to brainstorming the current state of the Boy Meets World characters. So, it’s no surprise to me that occasionally some weird google searches link people to my blog. But sometimes, sometimes the phrases are even too weird for me and I can’t see how in a million, bajillion years that search term led to my blog. But I’m a people pleaser, so I’m here to help you big freaks who google really weird things. Next time you google your weird things, I’ll have an answer for you. You’re welcome.

“scared people swimming” – My best guess is that the person searching for scared people swimming was looking for a picture. So you know, I’m on it:

“everytime i wear my lucky hat i…” – have good luck! Yes. Nailed it.

“ow. stop it you.” – Oh. I’m sorry. Am I causing you pain with my sharp wit? (see what I did there?)

“what is michael phelps going to do now” – Simple. He’s going to marry me. Then we’re going to have babies. And he’s going to teach the babies to swim. Someone needs to be able to teach my future children not to drown, I can’t do that. He’ll probably have to teach me too.

“adam levine trenchcoat” – I have no idea what you were looking for here. But I googled it myself and the image results were nothing short of inappropriate. So I’m not doing this one for you, ya freak.

“recent sports events” – May I direct you to


“sparkly silver acoustic guitar” – Here you go buddy!

“alex ovechkin face” – First. Why would you want to find this? His face is mildly terrifying. Second. Here it is. Try not to have too many nightmares.

“i don’t care what you think of me i don’t think of you at all” – That’s just rude. I’m not talking to you.

“knock my head on table” – That sounds like a terrible idea. I would not highly recommend that. One time I bashed my head into the bottom of a cabinet and I immediately was able to smell sounds and taste color. I imagine knocking your head on a table would accomplish the same thing. So if that sounds pleasant, go for it.

“dustin brown la kings sexy” – I know for a fact I have NEVER stated this. I don’t know why this brought you here to my little corner of the internet, but he is not sexy. Have you seen him? His face is WAY asymmetrical and he looks like a weasel. But hey, if that’s your thing than go for it girl (or guy, I don’t want to pigeon-hole)

“hey, i just met you, and this is crazy, steve urkel” – Did you just meet me? Did you just meet Steve Urkel? Because if you just met me, well cool I guess. But I don’t know what’s so crazy. Maybe the fact that you have some sort of tourette’s that causes you to randomly say Steve Urkel. And if you think you just met Steve Urkel, well I’ve got news. He’s a fictional character.

There we go guys. Now your weird, curious minds can be fulfilled. But I’m just going to be real with myself. All I’ve probably accomplished is leading more weirdos to my blog. But it’s all about quantity not quality right? Guys? Right?

What’s in a Name? Um, Only EVERYTHING.

Every single person’s identity begins with their name (which makes sense as it is in fact, you know, your identity). Every single name also holds a certain unwritten connotation to it. For instance name your kid Apple, and well, we’re all going to think you’re kind of fruity. (Ha Pun!). Name your kid Hubert, we’re going to assume he’s a nerd (or 95 years old). Since the beginning of time parents have been inadvertently choosing the futures of their children at their birth, through the simple choice of a name.

“This seems like a bold statement, Amanda.”

Oh ya? Don’t believe me? Well let’s explore this a little.

Does this look like a Skip Schumaker?
Or does this?

If you chose the first picture, you’re obviously a liar because no one thinks Skip Schumaker is a scientist name. Skip Schumaker is clearly the best baseball name that has ever existed. You don’t call your kid Skip and not expect him to do something athletic.

Does someone named Landry Jones resemble this?
Or is Landry Jones this guy?
If you did not get this one right, I just don’t even know what to say. The top picture is clearly Landry Jones. How is someone not going to be a quarterback if his name is Landry? I mean seriously? Landry Jones does not grow up to become Donut Man. Rob Evans does. (Because Rob is a Donut Man kind of name)

Next. Is this a Cal Clutterbuck?

Or is this?
I hope you chose the first picture because if you think someone named Cal Clutterbuck is a successful businessman, well I’m worried about you. Cal Clutterbuck is most definitely a hockey player name. (With some serious dapper dan hair)

This next one is tricky. Think carefully before you answer.
Is this Steve Urkel?
 Or is this Steve Urkel?
I know what you’re thinking. “That’s the same person. He’s just wearing suspenders and glasses in one picture.” FALSE. Photo 1 is Steve Urkel. Urkel is an obvious nerd name. The second is Stefan Urquelle. Urquelle is clearly the name of suave womanizer. Just look at them. Their names make sense. Steve’s the nerd, Stefan the womanizer.

See what I mean? Those are just a few of the many, many examples. If someone is given a nerd name at birth, they grow into that nerdhood against their own will. It just happens. If they’re given a baseball name, they have to play baseball. There is no other option. I’m sure there is a scientific explanation for why this works. But I wasn’t given a scientist name, so I wouldn’t know. (You’ll have to ask an Albert)

I was unfortunately given a very neutral name. I could have been named Petunia or Bruhnhilda. But I was given the name Amanda. It’s a little bland. Amanda Badley. That’s what I’ve got to work with. Obviously I’m bound to a life of mediocrity. Maybe if my parents had named me something like, Persephone (Just Persephone, no middle or last name) I would be a pop singer in Europe. Or had I been named Gretchen Jones Badley I could have dropped the last name and been Gretchen Jones, famous mystery novel author. But alas, I’m stuck with Amanda. (thanks MOM)

So moral of the story is, name your children carefully. If you name your daughter Ginger, she’s not going to become a diplomat (and she’s definitely going to have red hair). If you name your son Spike, he’ll for sure become a member of a bike gang. Watch yourselves guys. You choose your child’s profession with a simple signing of a birth certificate.

Now if anyone needs me I’ll just be here sinking into my mediocrity as I pin on my name-tag that reads “Amanda” in plain black letters, headed to my job at the food court Pretzelrama.*

*I don’t really work at the Pretzelrama. I’m sure that’s a very respectable job however. If anyone works at place called Pretzelrama I’m real sorry for implying that your job is mediocre in any way. People love pretzels so your job is actually really important.