How to Become Popular on the Internet

The internet is really big place. Thank goodness Al Gore blessed all of us with his invention. Without him we would not know that Snooki is going to give birth to a little Snook-ette or that Urkel is on the next season of Dancing with the Stars. The internet has given humans infinite possibilities for experiencing their 15 minutes of fame. I did some market research recently just for this blog (I’m really dedicated to giving you guys the cold, hard facts of life) And I’ve compiled the best methods for breaking through the barriers and becoming popular on the internet.

Post Adorable Pictures/Videos of Your Cat
Check this guy out!
Just an everyday cat, wearing a bow tie and speaking with improper grammar. ADORABLE. Whoever made this, you are automatically the greatest person in the world to me. Who doesn’t love a talking cat? That’s just precious. Cat’s doing everyday activities while asking things like, “I can haz chezberger?” is maybe the greatest fad to ever hit the internet. Let’s keep doing this guys. Talking cats never get old.

Get Hit in the Gonads
This really only works for males. People think it’s hilarious when males get hit with baseball bats/fall off skateboards/really anything that cause physical harm. I don’t know why we as humans laugh when people are in pain, but we do. So if you want to be popular, film yourself getting seriously injured, upload that sucker to YouTube and there you go. Internet star.

Have Millions of Followers on Twitter
Becoming popular on twitter is a whole other issue in itself. But you’re in luck!! I’ve already addressed this with Amanda’s Super Easy Twitter Guide. You’re welcome!

Make a YouTube Video Asking a Celebrity Out on a Date
This has worked for several people. Such as this fine young lady.

She asked out ol’ JT and he answered by going with her to the ball. And now this girl is probably the most popular person in her hometown. (and she may also be on Jessica Biel‘s hit-list, I feel like Biel has a big hit-list. She looks angry) She’s served as inspiration to many others in trying to get a date with a celebrity. Which reminds me…I need to check and see why Sidney Crosby hasn’t responded to my video yet. He’s not doing anything right now. However I digress. Basically, if you make a video specifically addressed to a celebrity and that particular celebrity responds, BAM, overnight stardom. You’ll probably even get to be on TMZ. Everyone wants that!

Be the Most Hilarious Blogger Ever
Um. Hello, obviously I’ve got this one down to a t. I’m pretty much the best. So don’t even try this one. I’ve got the market cornered on hilarious blogging. I’m really funny. And humble.

Miscellaneous Other Reasons Which I Do Not Recommend. 
There are several other ways with which one can gain internet popularity. I do not recommend these methods. Things like being ‘the world’s dumbest criminal’ or someone unable to hold their liquor. Not a good thing to be popular for. And then there are the unmentionable reasons for internet popularity. I do not approve of these, nor do most respectable humans.

So now that I have educated you on the best way to be internet-awesome, you know what to do. What are you waiting for? GET STARTED!

[Disclaimer: Al Gore didn’t really invent the internet. I did none market research. I don’t actually find those cat pictures humorous. I do not recommend getting hit in the gonads. I only have 35 Twitter followers, the Twitter guide is not effective. I didn’t make a video for Sidney Crosby. No one wants to be on TMZ. I’m really not the most hilarious blogger, I’m not even in the top 9,000,000. I’m a terrible person to come to for advice. And I seem to be a chronic liar]

Amanda’s Super Easy Twitter Guide

Image representing Twitter as depicted in Crun...

Guys I’ve got a confession. I’m a really lame twitter person. I have 20 followers. (It’s probably more like 17 now because I’m just that lame*) Thats it. Im sure those 20 people who each follow 2,000 others really enjoy my clever quips but, Ashton Kutcher I am not. I’m really interested in stepping my twitter game up this year so I’ve been doing some research. I have discovered that there are basically 5 ways for twitterers (from here on out I will refer to them as twits) to become super popular and have 10 billion followers. I’ve put together a super easy to follow guide to become a super-twit.

1. The Average Twit
Their tweets read something like this:
‘Sitting in the DMV #boring’
‘Monday? So gross!’
‘Getting a head cold #sick’
One might also refer to these twits as the ‘too much information/we really don’t care group. I do not want to be these people. No one gives these people stars. NO ONE. The followers of these people are mostly family members who feel obligated.

2. Shameless Mention Twits
It seems their hope is that through complimenting someone or something they will gain followers and/or respect from the mention:
‘Just had some delicious grub at @McDonalds. Ya #McRib!’
‘I love @AaronRodgers. He’s the best QB in the @NFL right, @JohnMadden?’
‘Jammin to my new @BajaMen album. They really let the dogs out this time!’
How often this plan works out is questionable, but this group probably has karma on their side what with their constant compliments.

3. Groupie Twits
Their user names are generally things like teamedward13 and unicorns4eva and their bio page reads something like this: 15 years old. I ❤ my BFF. OMG I got retweeted by Justin Bieber 10-15-11 <3! These twits are easily recognizable because they only tweet things like this:
‘I love you @TimTebow! Can I get a RT**?’
‘Hey @JoeJonas. How about a RT for your biggest fan!’
‘I saw you today at Opryland @JordinTootoo but was too scared to say anything to you! I was in a car. You were walking. RT?’ (Real life Amanda story. Not real life Amanda tweet)
These twits are primarily female and are pretty forward about what they want. You can’t fault them for that. Unfortunately they will become creepy stalkers and have many restraining orders before they are 25. And instead of gaining followers they will get blocked. A LOT.

4. Comedy Twits
They tweet about their tragically boring lives but make it super hilarious. Things like:
‘Trying to find steel wool to clean the sink. But where do they keep all the robot sheep that make it?’
‘Iowa caucus? More like Iowa raucous!’
This is the hardest group to become a super-twit in. They don’t do @ mentions or ask for retweets. You just have to be REAL funny.

5. Spam Twit
They’re just obnoxious and like to ruin everything with fake advertisements like:
“Got this new iPad. Click this super shady link to find out how!’
We hate them. No one follows them. EVER.

So that’s pretty much twitter in a nutshell. The goal is to @ mention as many famous people as possible and not be boring and hope people will follow you.

GOT IT? Start tweeting!

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go tell @BlakeGriffin how much I ❤ his curly hair and long arms.

*False. I have 18. Not quite as lame as I thought.
**For the twitter illiterate this is an acronym for retweet***
***Also for the twitter illiterate, retweet means the person will take your tweet and post it again. Thus RE-tweeting it.