A Few Valentine Demands (Pay Attention Fellas!)

You guys! Valentine’s day is TOMORROW. And do you know how many valentine’s I have for tomorrow?

None. I have none valentine’s for tomorrow. And the odds of me somehow picking up a valentine between and now and midnight are also none. Mainly because the only place I might go, other than home, between now and then is Walmart. I don’t want a Walmart valentine. Yuck. (plus I’m getting this weird pimple right by my lip, and it kind of looks like I have a case of the herp and that is not helping matters)

In fact I’ve never had a valentine. (Unless you count the small children I work with but I don’t, because that’s inappropriate) Even in elementary school when the super awesome 6th grade relationships were going on, no one brought me a teddy bear. Years and years I have waited for a teddy bear. Still no teddy bear for Amanda. So I’ve thought long and hard about this and here’s what I need to make up for 22 years of none valentines. Feel free to take notes fellas (mostly Colin Wilson)

First I’m going to need a teddy bear. Not just any teddy bear. A big teddy bear. 22 years worth of teddy bear. One like this one (but without that girl, I don’t want or need her):

Next I need tickets to the Predators / Blackhawks game tomorrow night. Right on the glass would be best, but if you can only swing upper deck I’ll deal with it I guess. I’ve taken the liberty to find some on eBay for your easy purchase so here ya go: 2 Chicago Blackhawks Vs. Nashville Predators 02/14/12

hockey fights are so romantic!

And my final demand is a poem. Not just any poem. A mushy poem. A mushy poem written solely using the words on conversation hearts. And no limericks or haiku’s. That’s cheating. Just glue those suckers on a doily in some sort of rhythm and send it my way. If it’s homemade I’ll love it. (and feel free to bring the rest of the bag of conversation hearts as a snack for the hockey game. I haven’t eaten any yet this year).

That’s it. That’s all I need to be happy. Is that so much to ask? I’m pretty easy-going. Just a poem, a big bear and some hockey tickets. What’s the big deal?

So anyway…
If anyone wants to, ya know, be my valentine….you know what to do.

 

 

Raise Your Valentine Game to the Next Level with my Simple “Build Your Own Love Letter”

February. The month that everyone spells incorrectly. It’s not Feb-u-ary you guys. Feb-ru-ary. It’s not that hard. Just sound it out. February get the shaft because everyone spells it wrong, but it’s also been shorted when it comes to number of days. While all the rest of the months get 30-31 days, poor old February only gets 28. However this is February’s lucky year. It gets 29 days instead of just 28. (Also let’s take a minute to wish all the leap year babies a Happy Birthday. They only get one every 4 years. They deserve this.)

But despite it’s short stature, February has got a lot going for it in 2012. Black History Month, Groundhog Day, the Super Bowl, Mardi Gras, Ash Wednesday. February really hit the holiday jackpot this year!! It feels like I missing something though. What could it be?

Oh ya. Valentine’s Day. February is the month of love (If you didn’t already please go back and read that sentence as if you were Morgan Freeman)

If you’re anything like me you’re not so great at this Valentine’s day thing. If it doesn’t come in a box with lollipops stuck into it or say something adorable like, ‘You’re Dino-mite, Valentine’ I don’t know how to handle a Valentine.

See. Isn't this adorable?

So to make all of our lives easier I’ve come up with a handy fill-in-the-blank love letter. Don’t stress yourselves out on the candy aisles at Walmart trying to find that perfect puppy card. Just simply personalize the following letter and send it to your Valentine this year.

Dear (name of love interest),

You have the (favorite quality of your love interest). I think of you every time I (time/place you think of your love interest). I would greatly enjoy (activity you’d like to participate in with your love interest) with you. Valentines day is coming up very soon. I think we should get together on February 14, 2012 at (place you’d like to go with you love interest). That way you can become my Valentine. And then we can fall in love. If this sounds like a great plan and you’d love to be my Valentine also please check yes. If this sounds like a terrible idea just check no, but please don’t file a restraining order.

____ YES!!!              ____NO!!

XoXo,
(Your name)

I’ve taken the time to fill out my own love letter as an example, if you need reference to how to fill out yours. I know sometimes expressing true feelings is difficult. I wrote mine to Shea Weber of the Nashville Predators. (Because he’s dreamy and I’d like to be his Valentine. Duh)

Dear Shea Weber of the Nashville Predators,

You have the most beautiful 5 o’clock shadow. I think of you every time I watch a hockey game on the television. I would greatly enjoy holding hands and making googly eyes with you. Valentines day is coming up very soon. I think we should get together on February 14, 2012 at The Hard Rock Cafe in Nashville. That way you can become my Valentine. And then we can fall in love. If this sounds like a great plan and you’d love to be my Valentine also please check yes. If this sounds like a terrible idea please check no, but please don’t file a restraining order.

____ YES!!!              ____NO!!

XoXo,
Amanda

It’s perfect. It gets my true feelings across and gets straight to the point of my desire to be Shea’s valentine. I can’t think of a better way to find true love than through this very phenomenally constructed letter. If you really want to catch your love’s eye glue it onto a doily such as this one. Then it’s a sure thing.

No one can say not to a love letter on a doily

I’ll be honest though. I don’t know the success rate of this letter. I haven’t tried it yet. Luckily I’ve got until the 14th to find my Valentine. So for best results I recommend sending a letter everyday until the 14th.* You can send it to the same person over and over or choose a different person everyday. All 14 people can’t turn you down, right? So get started constructing your love letters guys. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors for love.

See you guys later. I’m off to the post office to send Shea my love letter!

*I actually do not recommend this if you enjoy being a respected member of society and not having 14 restraining orders against you. If you do like restraining orders than by all means, carry on.