5 Mysteries in Life

The Bachelor:

SERIOUSLY? Why? How is it EVER a good idea to take 20 women and place them in a house together. That alone is a terrible idea. 20 people in a house trying to live together. Are you kidding me? I lived in a suite in college with 5 other people and that was the most terrifying year of my life. There was hair everywhere. Not my hair. STRANGER HAIR. There’s nothing worse than taking a nice relaxing shower, you turn your head and there it is, a nice, big glob of stranger hair staring you in the eye. Now imagine 19 other heads. I shudder just imaging all the stranger hair. NASTY. Not only are these people sharing a living space, but they’re sharing a SIGNIFICANT OTHER. OK? THEY’RE ALL MAKING OUT WITH ONE PERSON. This is not a normal social activity you guys. We typically refer to a person who makes out with 20 people in a short amount of time, as ‘loose’. Let’s focus on this for a second. You’re watching a man make kissy face with at least 20 people on every episode*. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. And we expect these relationships to last? ARE YOU SERIOUS? UMMM….NO. That’s all I can say, just NO.

*This is an exaggeration….I hope

This seems like a strange thing to be confusing to me, no? WRONG. I cannot whistle. I don’t get it. HOW DO YOU PEOPLE WHISTLE. Many have tried to teach me, “Amanda, just purse your lips and blow lightly”, “Amanda, blow between your teeth.” “Amanda, breathe in” “Amanda, you can’t do normal human activities, what is wrong with you?” I CANNOT DO IT. I have a request. STOP TRYING TO TEACH ME. I’m obviously unteachable. I’ve gone 22 years without possessing this ability. Why do you think I’ll suddenly be able to whistle now? Just as you can’t find love on the Bachelor/ette you can’t teach an Amanda to whistle. Her lips do not work that way apparently. I also have another request. STOP WHISTLING. It’s the most annoying thing in the world, you whistlers. No one really enjoys hearing you whistle, particularly people who can’t whistle. STOP RUBBING IT IN MY FACE. I’ve come to grips with the fact that I will never be able to do it, so leave me alone.

what a showoff

Bare Feet:

I don’t expect anyone to agree with me on this one, but HOW DO ALL YOU PEOPLE WALK AROUND WITH BARE FEET?? I can’t handle it. I don’t want my feet touching nasty things on the floor. EWW! I don’t want my feet touching each other because, GROSS! And I certainly don’t want my feet touching someone else’s feet, JUST GO AHEAD AND KILL ME IF THAT HAPPENS. I realize this is a really weird trait for me to possess. And I realize it’s weird to wear socks during the dog days of summer. But you know what? I don’t care. You’re feet are disgusting. And you make people look at them all. day. long. with your flip-flops and toe rings. SO GROSS. It’s probably in my best interest that I have no marriage prospects, solely because of this endearing little quality. Can you imagine my wedding night?? “Oh ya, about that honey, I wear socks. All the time. Even when I’m sleeping.” Immediate deal-breaker. Whatever. Judge me if you will, I’m ok with me.



Ya, whatever. “It helps my brain”….”it makes me smarter”…”I won’t get Alzheimer’s”. I don’t care. IT’S A BUNCH OF NUMBERS IN BOXES. I don’t have the patience for such shenanigans. Give me a word search, a cross word, something with, I don’t know, WORDS! I’ve tried this ‘Sudoku’ stuff. I just don’t get it. I mean I get how it works, I just don’t GET IT. How is this enjoyable to someone? It seems too much like math homework to me. “Oh hey, you have a 2, 3, 6, 9 in this row and a 4, 7, 3 in this row” UM no. I’m not going to figure that out. So keep your Sudoku’s to yourself and give me a dot to dot. You get a picture at the end of that instead of a box filled with numbers.

Bird Mating:

I really don’t feel like I need to explain myself on this one. I’ve thought about this many times and I will never understand. If someone out there happens to be an expert in birds, PLEASE, I’m begging you, tell me how birds mate and make little baby birds. I grew up in the city. I’m still trying to get over the fact that APPARENTLY all bulls don’t have horns. (Ya, I KNOW! Cartoons are a lie.) I will never understand birds. How do they fly? Why is the one outside my window so loud? How do eggs come out of them? SERIOUSLY. WHY ARE BIRDS SO CONFUSING?? Are there any colleges that offer courses in birds? I need to go to them if there are.

Why are you such a confusing creature little bird?

So…there’s that. If you think I should be institutionalized after reading this, I’m sure you’re not alone in that. But, you know. Whatever.