How to Become Popular on the Internet

The internet is really big place. Thank goodness Al Gore blessed all of us with his invention. Without him we would not know that Snooki is going to give birth to a little Snook-ette or that Urkel is on the next season of Dancing with the Stars. The internet has given humans infinite possibilities for experiencing their 15 minutes of fame. I did some market research recently just for this blog (I’m really dedicated to giving you guys the cold, hard facts of life) And I’ve compiled the best methods for breaking through the barriers and becoming popular on the internet.

Post Adorable Pictures/Videos of Your Cat
Check this guy out!
Just an everyday cat, wearing a bow tie and speaking with improper grammar. ADORABLE. Whoever made this, you are automatically the greatest person in the world to me. Who doesn’t love a talking cat? That’s just precious. Cat’s doing everyday activities while asking things like, “I can haz chezberger?” is maybe the greatest fad to ever hit the internet. Let’s keep doing this guys. Talking cats never get old.

Get Hit in the Gonads
This really only works for males. People think it’s hilarious when males get hit with baseball bats/fall off skateboards/really anything that cause physical harm. I don’t know why we as humans laugh when people are in pain, but we do. So if you want to be popular, film yourself getting seriously injured, upload that sucker to YouTube and there you go. Internet star.

Have Millions of Followers on Twitter
Becoming popular on twitter is a whole other issue in itself. But you’re in luck!! I’ve already addressed this with Amanda’s Super Easy Twitter Guide. You’re welcome!

Make a YouTube Video Asking a Celebrity Out on a Date
This has worked for several people. Such as this fine young lady.

She asked out ol’ JT and he answered by going with her to the ball. And now this girl is probably the most popular person in her hometown. (and she may also be on Jessica Biel‘s hit-list, I feel like Biel has a big hit-list. She looks angry) She’s served as inspiration to many others in trying to get a date with a celebrity. Which reminds me…I need to check and see why Sidney Crosby hasn’t responded to my video yet. He’s not doing anything right now. However I digress. Basically, if you make a video specifically addressed to a celebrity and that particular celebrity responds, BAM, overnight stardom. You’ll probably even get to be on TMZ. Everyone wants that!

Be the Most Hilarious Blogger Ever
Um. Hello, obviously I’ve got this one down to a t. I’m pretty much the best. So don’t even try this one. I’ve got the market cornered on hilarious blogging. I’m really funny. And humble.

Miscellaneous Other Reasons Which I Do Not Recommend. 
There are several other ways with which one can gain internet popularity. I do not recommend these methods. Things like being ‘the world’s dumbest criminal’ or someone unable to hold their liquor. Not a good thing to be popular for. And then there are the unmentionable reasons for internet popularity. I do not approve of these, nor do most respectable humans.

So now that I have educated you on the best way to be internet-awesome, you know what to do. What are you waiting for? GET STARTED!

[Disclaimer: Al Gore didn’t really invent the internet. I did none market research. I don’t actually find those cat pictures humorous. I do not recommend getting hit in the gonads. I only have 35 Twitter followers, the Twitter guide is not effective. I didn’t make a video for Sidney Crosby. No one wants to be on TMZ. I’m really not the most hilarious blogger, I’m not even in the top 9,000,000. I’m a terrible person to come to for advice. And I seem to be a chronic liar]

Hey Sidney Crosby, I’m Your Biggest Fan!

Sidney Crosby

Image via Wikipedia

Dear Sidney Crosby,

Hi! You don’t know me, but I know you! That sounded a little creepy didn’t it? I’m real sorry about that. Anyway, how’s it going?

I don’t know if you know this about yourself, but you used to be a phenomenal hockey player. Remember in 2010, you scored the winning goal in the gold medal hockey game, for your native land of Canada? And remember how you hold the record for the youngest everything ever in the NHL?

Look at all this stuff:
First rookie to record 100 points and 100 penalty minutes in a season
Youngest player to record 100 points in a season
Youngest player to record 200 career points (19 years and 207 days)
Youngest player to record 2 consecutive 100 point seasons
Youngest player voted to the starting lineup in an All-Star Game
Youngest full team captain
Youngest NHL captain to win Stanley Cup (21 years, 10 months, and 5 days)

Those were good times weren’t they Sid? You were a star. And then this happened:

 

You broke your brain. And now you do nothing except skate around on ice without playing hockey, you’re essentially a figure skater. No one really likes you anymore. Now don’t get sad about that Sidney. You have only played like 8 games in the last year. Surely you can see where I’m coming from here. It’s no wonder people are starting to get angry at you and saying you’re a big baby with a broken head. You don’t do anything and you’re supposedly the Captain of your team.

But I don’t think you’re a baby Sid. That’s why I’m writing this letter to you. Because I like you, broken head or not. And since I’m probably the only one who still likes you, I was wondering if I could get a few things.

1. I’d like a million dollars. You’re being paid right now, but let’s be honest Sidney, you’re not doing anything to earn it. You could sacrifice a few mill. If you could just give me 1 million for being your biggest fan, we’ll call it even.

2. I’m also going to need a real penguin. You play for (well, you are a member of) the Pittsburgh Penguins. Surely you’ve got some sort of connection with a penguin breeder. I need a pet. Get me one Sid.

3. You also played in the olympics with Shea Weber. You guys are probably friends, right? Could you introduce us? I’d really like to marry him.

4. If you can’t get Shea Weber, will you marry me?

5. I’d also like an autographed puck

That’s it Sidney. Just those 5 things. I’m the only who still thinks you can play hockey. I haven’t once called you a whiny baby for having a broken brain. (Trust me, people call you whiny a lot, and sometimes you act a little whiny. I’ve seen the YouTube videos, and I still like ya!) I google you only a weekly* basis just to check on your brain progress. So anyway, you can see how supportive I am, during this time of broken braindom.

*daily. I’m out of control

If you could offer me the same support in fulfilling those demands, that would be phenomenal.

If you don’t, I’m going to be mad at you for a little bit. But I’ll probably still like you, dang it! You’re so darn adorable!

Okay, well have a nice day Sidney! Hope your brain/neck/spine gets better soon!

Sincerely,

Amanda, aka Your Biggest (and maybe your only) Fan