Noah’s Ark: The Best Darn Children’s Story Ever

Gather round children. Today I’m going to tell you the story of how God got really angry at all the people on the earth and killed all of them!

One day God looked down at the earth and saw everyone being really, really bad. This did not please him. No one was obeying him and they were all being just downright disobedient. Except one guy. We’ll call him Noah. Noah was ‘counted righteous’ by God.

God went to Noah and said, “Hey Noah. How’s it going?”

“Hey God. It’s going alright. Just living the dream here.”

“Awesome. I don’t know if you noticed this but all the people on this earth are terrible. They are living in sin and debauchery and are not doing anything good at all so you know what I’m going to do?”

“Um. No?”

“I’m going to kill all of them. I’m going to make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. It’s going to rain A LOT. So much rain that the entire earth floods! The whole thing. There will be no dry ground anywhere and everyone is going to die because they will all drown.”

“Wow! That’s…wow. Why are you telling me this?”

“Don’t worry Noah I like you. So I have a special plan for you. I want you to build a really, really large boat. And on this boat I’d like you to put two of every animal in existence.”


“You and your family can also get on the boat. And then you will be saved. You, your family, all the giraffes, zebras, ocelots and all the other animals…but not the dodo birds or the dinosaurs. They weigh too much for the boat.”

“Ya. Okay. I guess I’ll do that. Mainly because you’re God. And I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t tell you no. In fact, nope I would never do that because you might drown me.”

“Okay. Sounds good. Thanks Noah. I’ll let you know when the flood is coming so you can get in your giant boat! Good luck!”

And so Noah received the distinct honor of getting to build a really big boat! After days of toil and hard work and many thumbs smashed by hammers, the boat was finished. Then Noah and his family gathered all the animals, 2 of each kind, and put them all on the boat. Then the rain began. It rained and rained and rained.

All the evil people thought Noah was crazy because of his giant boat.
Hey Noah! Cool boat….weirdo!”

“Oh ya? Well I’m not going to die like you because I’m in a boat.”

“Whatever. I’m just going to go up on this mountain and I’ll be safe. So see you later.”

“That’s what you think, evil human.”

And so Noah, his family, and many, many animals closed the doors of their boat and floated off on their way, leaving all the evil people with no boat. The rains kept coming down until finally there was no ground left to stand on. So much water even the mountains were covered.

Noah and his family were safe in their boat until all the waters went down so they could get out of the boat. All the other people of the earth weren’t so lucky. Because they were evil and stupid and didn’t get on Noah’s boat, they died a painful death by drowning.

The End.

And that my children is why we decorate your rooms with Noah’s ark, to help you remember when God destroyed all the people on the earth! Remember, don’t be evil, or you’ll drown!! Have a nice day! See you next time!

14 comments on “Noah’s Ark: The Best Darn Children’s Story Ever

  1. I’ve always loved this story… even more so now.

  2. I believe the point of God flooding the earth was to rid it of evil. He said after the flood that he would never flood the earth again.

    • yeldaba says:

      Yes. You are correct. My main point is that it’s a little odd that this is one of the most popular children’s Bible stories being that it’s talking about all the people on earth being wiped out.

  3. Jeff says:

    You should also mention Noah was several hundred years old and a drunk. That can only enhance this literary masterpiece.

  4. Carol says:

    I just love gentle, loving stories for children. But now I’m thinking, maybe I need to have a boat in the backyard, just in case. Because I think we’re about there again. Yep. In the spring – assuming spring arrives – I’m going to build a boat. But not a huge boat. Just big enough for my family, my friends, a few animals. . . . anyone have a good tugboat for sale?

  5. wow! I never really thought about the morbid undertones that this story carries! It is funny the things we can be “trained” to overlook.

  6. Kate says:

    Ugh, I know. Gotta love Western Civ!

  7. pixiepot says:

    I see that you have decided to continue writing and telling retakes on stories, definitely the next Dr Seus!
    I love the way you told this, it made my laugh. I never really thought about how one of the most popular children’s books is in fact about God murdering everyone.

  8. […] Noah’s Ark: The Best Darn Children’s Story Ever ( Rate this: Make me FamousEmailPrintFacebookTwitterDiggLinkedInMoreStumbleUponRedditTumblrLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. This entry was posted in "tea party" protest movement, Barack Obama's health care, Bible, Christianity, Conservative Blogging, Iran, islam, Islam Awareness Month, Israel, religion and tagged Bible, Christianity, Darren Aronofsky, God, Liam Neeson, Noah, Religion and Spirituality, Russell Crowe by wdednh. Bookmark the permalink. […]

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